Xelda, Warrior Princess? Or, Xena In Westbridge
by VP19
Summary: One of Sabrina's spells goes awry, bringing Xena, Gabrielle and Argo into the Spellman living room and Hilda, Zelda and Salem into the Xenaverse.
1. chapter 1

"Xelda: Warrior Princess? Or, Xena In Westbridge"  
  
by Erich   
  
Copyright 1999-2001  
  
A "Xena: Warrior Princess"/"Sabrina, the Teenage Witch" crossover.   
  
DISCLAIMER: Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Aunt Hilda, Aunt Zelda and all other   
characters who have appeared in the syndicated series "Sabrina, the Teenage   
Witch," together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright   
property of ABC, the WB, Archie Comics and Viacom. Xena, Gabrielle, Argo and all other   
characters who have appeared in the syndicated series "Xena: Warrior Princess,"   
together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of   
Universal Studios. No copyright infringement was intended in the writing of this   
fan fiction. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the   
sole property of the author. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any   
way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all   
disclaimers and copyright notices.  
  
NOTE: All works remain the © copyright of the original author. These may not be   
republished without the author's consent.  
  
  
  
Chapter One  
  
A sharp shriek brought Xena's head whipping round to the sound's source.   
Several yards away, Gabrielle was waist-deep in bog, hopelessly entangled by her   
own efforts at extricating herself.   
  
"Oh, my," Callisto gasped with feigned concern, "It looks like your   
little friend's gone and gotten herself caught in quicksand! Nasty stuff--I know   
from experience."   
  
As Xena assessed the situation, Callisto's mockery continued. "It looks   
like it's come down to a choice between catching me and saving your friend. I   
have to admit, I love seeing you stuck in these dilemmas. Wish I could stick   
around and bask in the angst, but I've got to be going." With that, she kicked   
her steed in the sides, laughing as it galloped away.   
  
Callisto was wrong, of course...it was no dilemma at all. Xena had not   
even heard her taunts as she rushed to Gabrielle's rescue. "Don't struggle," she   
urged, "you'll only sink in deeper." Once she arrived at the bog, it was a   
simple matter to cut down some sturdy vines and extend the impromptu lifeline to   
the half-submerged bard.   
  
"Callisto escaped," Gabrielle observed in an apologetic tone.   
  
"She ran away," Xena replied, "but she hasn't escaped yet. It may not   
happen soon...but I--we--will make her face her judgment."   
  
"All right, Xena! You tell 'em, sister!" the small black cat cheered as   
the TV screen faded to black.   
  
"Salem, are you watching that silly program again?" Zelda Spellman asked   
as she walked into the tastefully-furnished living room, closely followed by her   
sister Hilda.   
  
"Silly program? You must be referring to something else. You couldn't   
possibly mean the incomparable Xena: Warrior Princess, not by any stretch of the   
imagination."   
  
"Whatever," Hilda sighed, "now scootch over. It's almost time for our   
show."   
  
The cat grumbled as the sisters shooed him aside and parked themselves   
on the couch. Hilda picked up the remote and changed the channel.   
  
"You know, it's kind of a blessing in disguise that OtherRealmMedia is   
out, and we're stuck with these mortal channels," she remarked. "I would never   
have discovered this show otherwise."   
  
"Ssh!" urged Zelda. "It's starting!"  
  
A deep, authoritative and enthusiastic voice issued from the TV set.   
"Tonight, the Travel Channel takes you to exotic, sunny Trinidad!"   
  
"Sonny Trinidad?" Hilda asked. "Didn't I go out with him once?"   
  
"Hush, Hilda."   
  
The sisters sat rapt in the gorgeous scenery as the travelogue   
continued. The time flew by until, almost an hour later, a young blonde girl   
rushed energetically through the front door. "Hi Aunt Hilda Hi Aunt Zelda," she   
blurted out before stopping in her tracks. "What's this?" Sabrina asked,   
stepping up behind the couch and turning her attention to the screen.   
  
"Well," Zelda explained, "since our Other Realm cable company isn't   
working--"   
  
"57,000 channels and nothing on," Hilda interrupted.   
  
Ignoring her, Zelda continued. "We've been exploring what mortal   
broadcasting has to offer, and, well...we've developed something of an addiction   
to the Travel Channel."   
  
"It's about as close as we can get to a real vacation lately."   
  
"Oh," Sabrina said, "well, I'll just let you get back to your show."   
  
At that point, the announcer intoned: "Join us again tomorrow for a   
journey to beautiful Barbados!"   
  
"Oh, Barbados!" Hilda squealed. "I love Barbados! Gosh, we haven't been   
there in ages! When was it?"   
  
"You know perfectly well, Hilda. Remember? The great landslip of   
1786...?"   
  
"Oh, throw that in my face again!" Hilda pouted. "Anyway, it looks like   
the place is fixed up pretty nice now."   
  
"Yes," Zelda sighed, "truth to tell, I wouldn't mind going back there   
myself."   
  
As her aunts wistfully contemplated the splendor of the Caribbean, the   
wheels started turning in Sabrina's mind.   
  
* * *  
  
Her aunts' dreams of a tropical vacation continued to gnaw at the back   
of Sabrina's thoughts all through school the next day. At lunch, she brought up   
the subject in conversation with her boyfriend Harvey.   
  
"I dunno," she said, "it's just kinda sad. I mean, Aunt Hilda and Aunt   
Zelda work so hard, what with taking care of me plus their own jobs...they   
really do deserve a nice vacation, but they just don't have the time."   
  
"I know what you mean," Harvey replied, "my mom loves those travel shows   
too. It's like you get to fit an entire trip in just one hour...sometimes I   
think she'd like to just, y'know, get inside the program."   
  
Sabrina's wheels clicked into high gear.   
  
After she got home, Sabrina rushed to her room and consulted her book of   
spells. "Let's see...technomancy...telephone pranks...ah! Here we go,   
'television spells.'" She scanned the page until she found the appropriate   
enchantment. After reading the instructions, she chanted: "Aunts Hilda and Zelda   
need a change of scene, so help get them into the video screen."   
  
A swirl of colored lights, and a small black box with many buttons   
materialized in Sabrina's hand. On it was inscribed "The Ultimate Remote."   
  
"Perfect!" she grinned.   
  
Sabrina carried the remote down into the living room and sat down in   
front of the TV. "Okay," she said, "this thing seems pretty self-explanatory."   
She carefully manipulated the buttons as she continued, "Okay, 'menu'...then   
'prog'...and now, just punch in the date...the time...and the channel for their   
travel show." She paused. "Gee, you'd think something this advanced would be   
able to handle those VCR Plus numbers."   
  
Just then, the telephone rang. Sabrina set the remote down on the couch   
as she rose to answer it.   
  
In the corner of the living room, Salem had been oblivious to Sabrina's   
activity, as his attention was focused exclusively on a fluttering moth close to   
his head.   
  
"That's it, baby," he muttered, "come to papa Salem..."   
  
His paws lashed out and batted at empty air. The moth flew away.   
  
"Come back here!" Salem howled. "Oh, you're gonna wish you stayed in   
your cocoon..."   
  
Sabrina picked up the phone. "Spellman residence," she declared into the   
receiver.   
  
"Hey, Sabrina," replied the soft voice on the other end.   
  
"Hey, Val! What's up?"   
  
As Sabrina and her best friend chatted on the phone, Salem pounced after   
his quarry. The moth hovered nearby, tantalizingly close to his reach. "I've got   
you now," Salem gloated, leaping up onto the couch. As he scurried over the   
cushions, his paws trampled over the keypad of the remote.   
  
He bounded off the armrest and flew gracefully through the air, coming   
to a perfect four-point landing on the throw rug. His momentum carried the rug   
sliding across the floor, but Salem remained perfectly upright on its center.   
  
"Have I got style, or what?" Salem grinned, then paused. "Now, what was   
I doing? Curse this feline attention span!"   
  
The moth fluttered away unnoticed.   
  
"Okay, Val," Sabrina said as her conversation wound down, "I'll see you   
tonight at the Slicery. So long!"   
  
Hanging up the phone, she returned to the couch and picked up the remote   
once more. "Okay, I've got all the info entered in--now I just have to press   
'save' and...presto!" She grinned. "Perfect! Now, when Aunt Hilda and Aunt Zelda   
sit down for their travel show tonight, they'll get that dream vacation they've   
been wishing for."   
  
* * *  
  
After dinner that evening, Sabrina walked into the kitchen and found her   
aunts sitting at the table. Zelda was engrossed in the latest issue of her   
scientific journal, while Hilda was busy filling out a crossword puzzle.   
  
"Say, aren't you guys supposed to be watching that travel show?" Sabrina   
asked.   
  
Zelda glanced at her watch. "Well, it's not quite time yet. We still   
have a few minutes."  
  
"Well, I mean, you don't want to miss the start." Sabrina winced   
inwardly. If they aren't there when the spell takes effect... "After all, for a   
place like Barbados, you'd kick yourself if you missed even a single second."   
  
"My," Zelda observed, "you seem to have caught this Travel Channel fever   
as well!"   
  
"Aw," Hilda jumped in, "we might as well go in now...even if it does   
mean being exposed to Salem's Xena-mania for a minute or two."   
  
On the television screen, Xena was riding her steed Argo through a field   
of tall grass, sharing a laugh with Gabrielle as she walked alongside them.   
  
"Ah yes," Salem purred, "approaching the perfect end of another perfect   
episode."   
  
Hilda and Zelda walked up to the couch, Hilda pushing Salem aside as she   
took her seat.   
  
"Hey!" Salem yelped, "Do you mind?" He climbed into her lap and stared   
into her eyes. "I believe this hour was set aside for my enjoyment?"   
  
"Oh, relax," Hilda groaned, "you can still catch the end of your little   
show."   
  
Perfect, Sabrina thought, they're in position. Now, as soon as their   
show starts, the spell will--   
  
At that moment, all three occupants of the couch shimmered and wavered   
like a wobbly broadcast signal, and were sucked into the waiting television   
screen.   
  
Hilda and Zelda found themselves standing in the middle of an open   
field. Immediately, they asked "What happened?" and "Where are we?," their   
voices overlapping so it was unclear which one had asked which question.   
  
Down by their feet, hidden by the lush foliage, Salem replied "Don't   
you--pffst--recognize the scenery? It's--pfgh--just like that Xena we were just   
watching?" A brief pause. "Could somebody--huphs--please pick me up so I don't   
have to keep talking through this grass?"   
  
Zelda looked out toward the sky. "Sabrina?" she demanded. "What have you   
done this time?"   
  
"And could you please undo it?" Hilda added.   
  
Sabrina could hear her aunts' voices coming from the television set,   
though she did not see them--her attention being focused on the two startled   
women and a thoroughly confused white horse that was currently wrecking the   
living room.   
  
"I'm a little busy with some problems of my own!" she shouted back to   
the set.   
  
DISCLAIMER: No permanent damage was done to either the Xenaverse or the   
Sabrinaverse in the production of this fanfic. However, they both learned to   
laugh at each other--and themselves. All animal action was monitored by the   
Other Realm Humane Society. No cats, horses or moths were harmed in the making   
of this story.   
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter Two  
  
  
"Where are we? How did we get here?" demanded the raven-haired woman   
atop the white steed.   
  
Hoo boy, Sabrina thought. I've got two TV stars and a horse in my living   
room. "Okay, take it easy," she muttered to herself, "you've gotten yourself out   
of worse situations--not much worse, but still..." Steeling herself for the   
worst, she spoke up. "Um, hi, Ms. Lawless...Ms. O'Connor. First off, let me just   
say that I'm a huge fan of your work."   
  
The dark-haired figure simply glared down at her. "Have we met?"   
  
"Not face to face," Sabrina answered, "but I did see you in Grease."   
  
"Where in Greece? It's a big country, and I've traveled almost every   
mile of it."   
  
The woman's redheaded companion, who had been gazing around the room in   
wonder and confusion, spoke as if oblivious to the conversation (as, indeed, she   
was). "I've never seen any place like this, Xena."   
  
The realization hit Sabrina harder than a ton of bricks--more like an   
entire factory. Uh-oh, she thought, please let this just be some kind of Method   
thing!   
  
"Well?" Xena snapped. "Speak up!"   
  
The sharpness of Xena's tone eliminated all doubt. She hadn't brought   
Lucy Lawless and Renee O'Connor from the set...she'd actually conjured the   
characters from the show!   
  
"Okay." Sabrina took a deep breath and let the words come flooding out.   
"You're here because of this spell that I was gonna use to give my aunts their   
dream vacation only something went wrong and instead of going to Barbados they   
wound up switching places with you two, um, three if you count the horse and oh   
yeah our cat's gone too and now you're here and they're there." At the end of   
her speech, Sabrina pointed to the TV set, where her aunts Hilda and Zelda were   
standing in a field of tall grass.   
  
"What is that thing?" Gabrielle asked in awe.   
  
"Uh, you've heard of crystal balls? I guess you could say this is kind   
of a crystal box."   
  
"That does look like where we just were," Gabrielle observed. "You said   
a spell? So you're an enchantress?"   
  
"More like an enchantress-in-training. Look, please believe me, I didn't   
mean for this to happen, I'll try to make it all right again. Maybe there's some   
way I can switch you back before it's too late."   
  
Gabrielle's attention was fixed upon the screen. "This...crystal box? Is   
it some kind of altar? It sounds like there's some monks chanting in there."   
  
Sabrina glanced back at the screen and recognized the production company   
logo. "Too late," she groaned.   
  
* * *  
  
In the field, Zelda was down on her knees, carefully scrutinizing the   
grass and earth. "From the looks of this soil and foliage, I'd say we were   
somewhere in New Zealand," she observed.   
  
"Kiwi country? How'd we get here?" Hilda asked.   
  
"I think I see what happened," Zelda replied thoughtfully. "Sabrina was   
so eager for us to be there for the start of our travel program...she must have   
arranged for it to transport us to Barbados when the show began. Only, something   
went wrong, and we've been sent to the set of Salem's show instead."   
  
"Okay," Salem said, "So we're halfway around the world. Not a problem.   
We can get back to Westbridge easily enough...and maybe take in some sights   
while we're here."   
  
"One thing's troubling me, though," Zelda continued, seemingly oblivious   
to Salem's comment, "if we're on that show's location, where are all the crew   
and equipment?"   
  
"Eh," Hilda said nonchalantly, "They're probably long gone. It's not   
like it was a live broadcast."   
  
"Wait!" Salem gasped. "Do you hear that?"   
  
Hilda and Zelda paused, then replied in unison: "Nooooo..."   
  
"Cat ears," Salem explained. "You'll hear it soon enough."   
  
In just a moment, Hilda and Zelda finally heard what Salem was talking   
about. Off in the distance, and approaching at a steady pace, was an off-key   
voice merrily singing.   
  
"...Righting wrongs and singing songs, being mighty all day long..."   
  
"Uh-oh," Salem muttered. "Brace yourself, gals. I don't think we're on   
the set...I think we're actually inside the show."   
  
"What makes you say that?" Hilda asked.   
  
"Well, I've heard of Method actors doing some extreme stuff...but, with   
all due respect to Ted Raimi, nobody's dedicated enough to stay in character as   
Joxer if they don't have to!"   
  
* * *  
  
"I don't understand," Gabrielle asked, "if your spell brought us here,   
don't you have another spell to send us back?"   
  
"Yeah," Sabrina groaned, "but I can't use it until tomorrow, when the   
next rerun starts. If I tried it now, I'd wind up switching you with Walker,   
Texas Ranger...and I'd never get my aunts back."   
  
Gabrielle tried to follow Sabrina's explanation and failed almost   
completely. "So..." she ventured, "it's like a portal that's only open at   
certain times?"   
  
"Right!" Sabrina exclaimed, pleased at the progress they were making.   
"And it won't be open again for another 23 hours."   
  
"In that case," Xena said as she stepped down from Argo's back, "I   
suppose we'll just have to wait."   
  
"This is going to be a long day," Sabrina muttered under her breath.   
"Excuse me, Xena?"   
  
"Yes?"   
  
"Um, I don't want to cause any offense or anything...but, oh, how do I   
put this? I don't have a stable here."   
  
"Well, where's the nearest place Argo can rest?"   
  
"Let me clarify that. We don't have any stables here in Westbridge."   
  
"No stables? That's ridiculous! Where do you keep your horses?"   
  
Sabrina's head was whirling. How could she explain the history of the   
automotive industry in terms they could understand? What should she tell them?   
Then her eyes glanced upon Salem's "cat corral."   
  
"Uh, right here!" she blurted out. I hope they buy this, she thought.   
"You see, we use magic to, uh, make them small until we need them. Much easier   
to take care of them that way. Low maintenance." All she could think was What am   
I saying?   
  
Xena paused. "That is, without a doubt, the most ridiculous thing I've   
ever heard. And I've had a lot of experience with the absurd."   
  
"No, really!" Now that she'd started this, she might as well take it all   
the way. "Look, I'll show you. I promise this won't hurt him..."   
  
"Her," Xena interrupted.   
  
"...her at all."   
  
"Well, I could use a laugh," Xena said, "but remember, if any harm   
befalls Argo..." Her hand clutched the grip of her sword.   
  
Sabrina gulped. This had better work, she thought. As she pointed at   
Argo, she chanted: "No stables to keep her, no, nothing like that, so let's   
shrink this horse to the size of a cat."   
  
A glittering swirl surrounded Argo, and the golden-white horse was   
immediately reduced to...well, what she said.   
  
Gabrielle gasped. Xena's grip grew tighter. "Argo?" Xena asked.   
  
The miniature horse whinnied in reply.   
  
"She's fine," Xena sighed in relief, releasing her sword. "You're   
lucky."   
  
"Tell me about it," Sabrina said as Argo trotted into Salem's corral.   
  
* * *  
  
"I'm telling you," Salem said, "this is real! I mean, this isn't real. I   
mean, it's fictional, but now it's...oh, I don't know what I'm telling you."   
  
"We're inside a TV show?" Zelda asked crossly.   
  
"Exactly! I'm glad I made myself clear."   
  
"Salem..." Zelda muttered between clenched teeth.   
  
"Hey, look on the bright side," Hilda interrupted in an attempt to   
mollify her sister. "It could have been worse. Salem could have been watching   
'South Park' or something."   
  
"That potty-mouthed animated show?" Zelda asked. "Please! Could you   
imagine us as cartoon characters?"   
  
"Uh-oh," Salem gasped. "Save the chit-chat for later, girls. We've got   
comic relief headed our way!"   
  
Joxer's tuneless singing grew louder.   
  
"Salem, you'd better be quiet!" Hilda urged.   
  
"Why?" Salem asked. "We're in the Xenaverse! This is a world where gods   
and magic are part of everyday life. At last, I can just be myself and be free!"   
  
At that point, Joxer sauntered over the hill and caught sight of the two   
sisters and their cat.   
  
"Good evening, ladies," Joxer bowed gallantly. He then noticed their   
confused expressions, not to mention their 20th-century casual wear. "You're not   
from around here, are you? Allow me to introduce myself...though, from the look   
of awe on your faces, I gather you've heard of me already. Yes, it's really me,   
Joxer the Mighty."   
  
"Hello...Joxer," Zelda replied courteously, hoping she'd caught the name   
correctly. "I'm Zelda Spellman, and this is my sister Hilda."   
  
"And my name is Salem Saberhagen," Salem added.   
  
"A...a talking...the cat...it...ooughh," Joxer stammered out before   
fainting. He collapsed right against Hilda, knocking her down with him.   
  
"So I was wrong," Salem shrugged.   
  
"Could somebody please help me?" Hilda groaned. "I got comic relief all   
over me!"   
  
* * *  
  
At that moment in the Spellman residence, the phone rang. Sabrina   
shrieked in surprise, while Xena and Gabrielle immediately whirled round and   
assumed defensive positions.   
  
"No need to worry," Sabrina said as she tried to regain her composure.   
"We're not under attack or anything...that's just the phone."   
  
"Phone?" Xena asked.   
  
"Yeah, it's kind of like...what do you use to send a message far away?"   
  
"A pigeon?"   
  
"Yeah, that's it. It's like a magic pigeon, except it doesn't make a   
mess on statues."   
  
As Xena and Gabrielle puzzled over this latest bizarre comparison,   
Sabrina picked up the receiver. "Spellman residence," she said. "Oh, hi,   
Valerie! No, I haven't forgotten...I'm just, uh, a little bogged down. Got some   
tough problems to figure out." She paused. "No, it's not the geometry   
homework...more like history." Another pause. "Okay, well, I'll be there as soon   
as I can!"   
  
Sabrina winced as she hung up the phone. Had she just said that she'd be   
there as soon as she could? Why hadn't she said she was feeling a little sick?   
Now there was no way of getting out of meeting Valerie at the Slicery...no way   
to leave her guests unattended...and no way of bringing them along. Unless...   
  
"That was a message from a friend of mine. I'm going to meet her for   
dinner at the Slicery...that's sort of a tavern, except they don't have any ale.   
I suppose you two must be kind of hungry, aren't you?"   
  
"Starving," Gabrielle replied.   
  
"I wouldn't mind a bite myself," Xena added.   
  
"Fine," Sabrina said. "The only thing is, there's a very strict dress   
code. Strictly casual. We'll need to get you some new outfits."   
  
"Are you telling me there's something wrong with my clothes?" Xena   
asked.   
  
"Oh, no! Not at all! It's just...the custom of our land. 'When in Rome,   
do as the Romans do' and all that."   
  
"I thought you said this place was called Westbridge," said Gabrielle.   
  
* * *  
  
"Well," said Zelda as she extricated her sister from underneath the   
fallen Joxer. "It appears we really are in ancient Greece, or at least a   
fictional facsimile. I think we'd best make an effort to blend in. We'll need to   
conjure up some new clothes."   
  
"Wait a minute!" Hilda interjected. "How do we even know our magic works   
here in 'Unpleasantville?' Let's give it a test first, before you accidentally   
ruin my new outfit!"   
  
"All right," Zelda agreed. "Something simple first." She focused her   
attention on a small white flower, pointed...and turned it purple.   
  
"Great, it works!" Hilda bubbled. "My turn." With that, she pointed at   
another white flower next to the first. In an instant, it was plaid. "I always   
had more of a flair for decorating than you."   
  
"If you're done with your art therapy," Salem muttered, "could we get on   
to the more pressing matter of wardrobe?"   
  
"For once, I agree with you," Hilda replied. With a single gesture, she   
and her sister were instantly dressed in elegant medieval finery.   
  
Zelda looked over her elaborate red dress. "You've been reading my   
Chaucer books again, haven't you?"   
  
"Only the good parts," said Hilda.  
  
"Great outfits, ladies!" Salem whooped. "Those are clothes that really   
make a statement. That statement being 'Attention highwaymen! Easy target   
here!'"   
  
"And what would you suggest?" Zelda scolded.   
  
"Well, since I'm the one who watches the show, I have a better idea of   
what fits in. We'll just use Xena and Gabrielle's outfits as templates."   
  
"And what if we run into them?" Hilda asked. "I hate it when I show up   
wearing the same thing as someone else."   
  
"Okay, so we'll make a few changes. Now let's get to it."   
  
The process went smoother than expected, despite such objections as "But   
green is not my color" and "How come you get the breastplate?" In moments, Hilda   
and Zelda were suitably dressed to fit into Xena's world. Hilda wore a modified   
version of Gabrielle's simple halter top (redone in sky blue to match her eyes)   
and skirt, redesigned with more thought to style than practicality. It had been   
all Salem could do to convince her to keep it basic, though he did allow her a   
small frill here and there. Zelda was dressed in a close approximation of Xena's   
armor, with some minor alterations to suit her sense of modesty.   
  
"Oh," Hilda whined, "I feel so...retro. I never realized how much I'd   
miss the basic necessities...like pantyhose."   
  
"Sorry, Hildy," Salem replied, "they won't be invented for another   
couple of millennia, give or take a century or two."   
  
Joxer groaned.   
  
"Uh-oh," Hilda said, "he's coming to. I'd better see if he's all right."   
  
As Hilda knelt over the supine would-be warrior, his eyes flickered   
open. Still slightly woozy, Joxer gazed at Hilda's face. "Are you an angel?" he   
asked.   
  
"An angel? Me?" Hilda giggled. "You guys say the sweetest things when   
you're semi-conscious."   
  
Joxer sat up and looked from one sister to the other, noticing their   
change of clothes. "Weren't you just...?" He shook his head. "That last batch of   
berries must've been tainted with henbane."   
  
Zelda looked from Joxer to Hilda to Salem. "Henbane?" she inquired.   
  
"I'll explain later," Salem replied.   
  
Joxer handled the sight of a talking cat better the second time around;   
he yelped but did not faint.   
  
"Easy, easy," Hilda reassured him. "Calm down...everything's all right,   
we're not here to make trouble."   
  
"I know that," Joxer replied. "I was just...testing my new battle cry. I   
think it needs a little work."   
  
"You see," Hilda continued, "my sister and I are, well, I guess you'd   
call us enchantresses."   
  
Joxer smiled. "I certainly would," he gushed.   
  
"And Salem there...he's from Egypt. Cats are worshipped as gods there,   
you know. That's why he can talk."   
  
Joxer picked himself up off the ground and walked over to the black cat,   
awestruck as he leaned in close to study this amazing phenomenon.   
  
"Wow...a god..." he murmured. "And he didn't even have to eat the   
ambrosia..."   
  
Salem's ears perked up. Ambrosia? he thought. His crafty feline brain   
started to percolate. He turned his attention to Hilda and Zelda...they had not   
reacted in the slightest to Joxer's remark. So they hadn't heard...that could   
work to his advantage.   
  
"In any case," Zelda took up the discussion, "we're strangers in this   
area, and we could use a guide. Can you recommend a good place to eat?"   
  
* * *  
  
"Okay," Sabrina muttered to herself, "I've got to get them new outfits,   
figure out what went wrong with the spell, keep them out of trouble, and make it   
so people won't wonder what Xena's doing in town. Piece of cake." She giggled   
nervously.   
  
Gabrielle had discovered the remote control, and was exploring its   
wondrous powers. Fortunately, it seemed to be functioning in a more mundane   
fashion now...she was simply channel-surfing, not conjuring up the various TV   
characters.   
  
"Oh no!" Gabrielle shrieked. "Look out!"   
  
"What? What's the matter?" Sabrina asked.   
  
"That woman on the other end of the crystal box...she's outnumbered!"   
  
Both Sabrina and Xena approached for a closer look. On the screen, a   
young blonde woman was surrounded by three sinister-looking figures. One of her   
opponents lunged at her, but she easily dodged.   
  
"Lead with the left!" Xena shouted helpfully. "His flank's exposed, you   
can take him out!"   
  
"Um, they can't hear you," Sabrina explained.   
  
"So there's nothing we can do to help?" Gabrielle gasped.   
  
"Don't worry," Sabrina reassured them, "she's not in any danger. That's   
Sarah Michelle Gellar, and she always wins these fights."   
  
"Three names?" Gabrielle asked. "She must be very important...even   
Julius Caesar only has two!"   
  
"Eh, it's not such a big deal," Sabrina shrugged. "We've got a lot of   
three-named actresses. Her, Jennifer Love Hewitt...it's nothing special."   
  
At that moment, the screen faded to black, and was replaced by an image   
of a large, steaming cheeseburger.   
  
"What happened?"   
  
"Oh, it's a commercial break...every so often, they interrupt the show   
so some merchants can tell you about their stuff."   
  
"Sounds like one of Salmoneus' schemes," Xena remarked.   
  
"Don't worry, you won't miss anything important. They plan it that way."   
  
Gabrielle shook her head. "This truly is an amazing land."   
  
After the fast-food commercial ended, the screen was occupied by a   
gray-haired, elegant lady in large black-rimmed spectacles.   
  
Of course, Sabrina thought. That's who I need to take care of one   
problem...well, her or her Other Realm counterpart.   
  
"Okay," Sabrina said, "we still need to get you some new clothes, and I   
know just who can help us."   
  
She waited until the commercial was over...she didn't want to further   
confuse them by having her on the screen and in the room at the same time, after   
all...then gestured and chanted: "Gabby and Xena need new clothes on the   
double...call Ancient Mariner to solve fashion trouble!"   
  
In an instant, the gray-haired lady appeared in the living room. She was   
unfazed by her new surroundings. "Who called for new outfits?"   
  
Sabrina answered, "I placed the call, but the outfits are for them."   
  
The old lady peered through her glasses at Xena and Gabrielle. "No need   
to worry," she assured them, "Ancient Mariner offers a wide variety of styles to   
suit any occasion." She looked Xena over from head to toe, taking stock of her   
imposing height. "For all sizes and figures," she added.   
  
"Well," Sabrina interrupted, "we just need something casual."   
  
"Casual wear is what we're all about," the Ancient Mariner lady replied   
proudly.   
  
"Fine. I'll leave you to it. If you'll excuse me, I've got to look   
something up."   
  
In her room, Sabrina consulted her spell book. "Okay, let's take another   
look and see what went wrong... 'Television magic'...ah! Here it is. 'To send   
somebody into the world of the screen, an even exchange must be made.'" She   
groaned in frustration. "I just know that fine print wasn't there before."   
  
Rapidly flipping pages, she continued muttering to herself. "Let's see,   
now to make sure they're not recognized... Here's something: 'Temporary   
Anonymity--for the celebrity who wants to go unnoticed.' That sounds like just   
the thing!" She studied the passage, then recited: "To make my companions   
persona non grata, wipe the memory of their show from this part of the strata!"   
She paused. "Is it just me, or are these spells reaching harder and harder for a   
rhyme?"   
  
Sabrina put away her spell book and returned downstairs. The Ancient   
Mariner lady was performing a few last-minute adjustments on Xena's new outfit,   
a blue vertically-striped blouse with bell-bottom pants. "Believe me, these are   
making a remarkable comeback."   
  
"Come back? You mean these aren't something you just made up?"   
  
Gabrielle stood nearby, wearing a green knee-length dress. "I like it!"   
she remarked.   
  
"But wait!" the costumer exclaimed dramatically. She reached into a small bag   
she carried with her, and pulled out a considerably larger denim bag. "The   
outfit isn't complete without the proper accessories. This Ancient Mariner purse   
is both fashionable and functional for all your needs." She held it up to Xena's   
chakram to demonstrate its usefulness as a carrying case.   
  
Having finished her adjustments, the gray-haired lady stepped back and   
appraised her work. Though she said nothing, she looked eminently satisfied.   
Then, she reached into a small bag and produced two sweaters. "And, since you're   
going out tonight, I suggest you keep warm with these stylish Ancient Mariner   
sweaters. This season, the look is fleece!"   
  
"The Golden Fleece?" Gabrielle asked in confusion. As she stepped   
forward to take the sweater, she stumbled on her new three-inch heels and fell   
against Sabrina.   
  
"Um, I think maybe we might want to sacrifice a bit of style for a touch   
of stablity," Sabrina whispered to the fashion doyenne.   
  
"At Ancient Mariner, comfort is no sacrifice at all!" she proclaimed.   
With a flourish, she reached into the bag again and pulled out an equally   
gorgeous pair of flats.   
  
"Thanks," said Gabrielle.   
  
"Think nothing of it, my dear! Remember, Ancient Mariner is here to   
serve your fashion needs. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to be going. I'm   
due to meet some more old sitcom stars for an audition." With that, she   
disappeared in a puff of smoke.   
  
"Looking good!" Sabrina enthused as she surveyed Xena and Gabrielle.   
"Okay, I think we're all set. So...we're off to the Slicery!"   
  
DISCLAIMER: No animals were harmed in the making of this episode, although Argo   
did have to switch to a diet of miniature oats.   
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter Three  
  
  
As Sabrina picked up her purse from the kitchen counter, she turned to her new   
companions. "Okay, before we go, there's one thing I need to tell you. When we   
go out and meet other people, you mustn't mention to anyone that I'm a witch...or   
talk about anything even remotely magic-related, for that matter."  
  
"All right," Xena agreed.  
  
"Aren't you going to ask why not?" Sabrina gasped. "I'd worked out a whole   
lengthy but comprehensible explanation and was all set to use it."  
  
"If it's all the same to you," Xena sighed, "let's skip it. I've got enough of a   
good sense about you, I'm prepared to take your word. Plus, Argo likes you."  
  
A whinny emerged from Salem's cat corral.  
  
"Besides," Gabrielle added, "I'm starving, and I'd rather just get to   
this...Slicery, is it? Odd name for a tavern..."  
  
"Sounds like a rough place," Xena observed, "but I'm sure we can handle it."  
  
"Okay, then," Sabrina replied, slightly disappointed that she wouldn't get to   
use her discourse. "Off we go--wait!" she yelled. "I just thought of one more   
thing. It's going to be hard to explain a couple of people your age hanging out   
with me and my friends-"  
  
"What do you mean, our age?" Gabrielle interrupted.  
  
"No offense meant," Sabrina quickly added, "but I'm a kid and you're clearly..."   
she paused as she pointed to Xena, trying desperately not to indicate any   
specific feature, "...adults. The two of you are gonna...well, kinda look out of   
place."  
  
"So what do you plan to do about it?" asked Xena.  
  
"I guess I'll have to make both of you look younger."  
  
"You've got some sort of youth elixir?" Gabrielle asked in awe.  
  
"No," Sabrina replied, "that sort of stuff's very strictly   
controlled--practically forbidden, unless you get written permission from Dick   
Clark or George Hamilton."  
  
By this time, Xena had learned not to question this strange girl's cryptic   
references. "So," she repeated, "what do you plan to do about it?"  
  
"I'll just cast a simple perception spell," Sabrina explained. "It won't   
actually make you younger, but it'll make people see you that way. Okay, here we   
go. 'You come from a land of warriors and queens, but now that you're here, you   
need to be teens.'"   
  
A flourish of sparkles surrounded Xena and Gabrielle. They looked at each other,   
then turned to Sabrina. "It didn't work," Gabrielle said, "she looks just like   
she did before."  
  
"We look just like we did before," Xena corrected.  
  
"Hmm, I guess it doesn't affect your own perceptions...but don't worry, everyone   
else will see you as being my age," Sabrina said, crossing her fingers. "Okay,   
now off we go!"  
  
As Sabrina reached into her purse to check her wallet, a small piece of paper   
suddenly materialized in the bag before her eyes. She picked it up and looked at   
it. "Ancient Mariner Fashion Boutique," she read aloud. "'We dresseth one of   
three.' One pair bell-bottom slacks, one blue blouse..." From that point forward,   
she silently scanned the rest of the itemized bill until she reached the total   
at the bottom. Her eyes widened. "Hoo boy," she groaned. "Looks like that wasn't   
one of my better ideas."  
  
* * *  
  
"Oh, I know a great place to eat!" Joxer bubbled. "It's this wonderful little   
tavern...very new, very exotic, very exclusive. Just to give you an idea of how   
fancy it is...they actually have--" he lowered his voice to an awed whisper,   
"--utensils."  
  
"A tavern?" Salem asked. "I'd best brush up on my bawdy tavern ballads. Hope I   
can remember all the words to 'Polka Dot Undies.'"  
  
"Salem..." Zelda cautioned.  
  
Oblivious to the warning, Salem continued. "Let's see, how's it go? Something   
something..." He then broke into song. "Pointin' to something that flashed by real   
quick, she said 'Hey look at that, it looks just like your--'"  
  
"Shut your mouth!" Zelda admonished.  
  
"I'm just talkin' 'bout my polka dot undies," Salem replied sheepishly.  
  
"I can dig it," Hilda grinned.  
  
* * *  
  
Sabrina led Xena and Gabrielle down the street. Gabrielle gazed about in wonder,   
dazzled by the elaborate architecture and by the astounding vehicles that   
passed. Xena simply walked along, indifference plastered across her face.  
  
"Sabrina," Gabrielle whispered, "I know you asked us not to talk about magic...but   
this is amazing! These tall, square buildings...those wagons moving by   
themselves...how do your people do all this?"  
  
Xena said nothing, but nudged Gabrielle in the ribs.  
  
"Xena!" Gabrielle yelped in response. "What was that for?"  
  
"Don't go on about it," Xena replied.  
  
"How can you be so jaded? Are you telling me you've ever seen anything like this   
place?"  
  
"First rule," Xena explained, "when you're in unfamiliar territory, never let   
anyone see it's unfamiliar to you."  
  
Sabrina volunteered an explanation. "Those are called 'cars.' Don't worry, you   
won't be expected to know much about them. They're more a guy thing. If someone   
starts talking about them, just nod your head and pretend you can follow what   
they're saying. Trust me, it's what I always do."  
  
As they passed by the newsstand, Sabrina noticed the proprietor reading the   
latest issue of Maxim. The cover was blank, yet Mr. Goldwater didn't seem to   
notice at all. He looked up from his magazine and called out, "Oh, hi, Sabrina!   
Say, who are your friends there? Don't believe I've seen you two before, and I   
never forget a face."  
  
"Oh, these are a couple of, um...exchange students. Visiting from Greece."  
  
"Really?" Mr. Goldwater smiled. "Well, welcome to our fine city!"  
  
As Xena and Gabrielle thanked the newsagent for his cheery greeting, Sabrina   
smiled. The "temporary anonymity" and "teen perception" spells appeared to be   
working. Well, that made two things that were going right today...  
  
* * *  
  
As Joxer led the way to a nearby village, Hilda, Zelda and Salem talked among   
themselves.  
  
"We're going to need someplace to hide Salem," Zelda remarked.  
  
"Why can't I come with you?" Salem asked. "They don't have health codes yet."  
  
"And they're probably not too picky about what they cook, either," Hilda   
replied.  
  
Salem gulped. "I get the point."  
  
"Anyway," said Zelda, "it's nothing to worry about." She gestured, conjuring up   
a large shopping bag with a bold "Sparta Commons" logo emblazoned on it. "You   
can come in as long as you keep yourself hidden in here."  
  
"All right!" Salem whooped as he jumped in the bag. "A free ride!"  
  
Feeling left out, Joxer forced his way into the conversation just as they   
reached the outskirts of the village. "You gals are going to love this place!   
The food is like nothing you've ever tasted, or even imagined, before!   
Incredible, exotic dishes all the way from distant..." he paused dramatically,   
"...China!"  
  
"China?" his three companions simultaneously blurted out.  
  
"You're awestruck, I can tell. And I can't say I blame you."  
  
Hilda whispered to her sister. "We have come all the way to a fictitious   
re-creation of mythical ancient Greece--and we're having Chinese?"  
  
"Well, maybe it's Tienjin," Zelda replied.  
  
"Have they invented dim sum yet?" Salem interrupted.  
  
Minutes later, they arrived at a splendid Chinese pagoda...or at least an ancient   
Grecian builder's idea of what a splendid Chinese pagoda is supposed to look   
like. "Isn't that magnificent architecture?" Joxer asked, virtually transfixed.  
  
"I thought kitsch didn't come into its own until the 20th century," Hilda   
whispered to her sister. Then, for Joxer's benefit, she added more audibly, "Uh,   
it's very nice. Unlike anything I've ever seen before."  
  
"Agreed," Salem added, his hunger overriding his sarcasm.  
  
Zelda read the restaurant's sign aloud. "The Charging Dragon."  
  
"This used to be a tavern called the Charging Bull," Joxer explained knowingly.   
"They rebuilt the place completely when the new owner changed the menu, but they   
tried not to alienate the old customers too much."  
  
"So they brought China to the Bull shop," Salem observed. "Now there's a   
switch."  
  
"Now I must let you know that this establishment is very, very popular," Joxer   
stated as they approached the steps. "But don't worry. I've been here before, so   
I have connections." He smiled. "They know of Joxer the Mighty."  
  
"Just wondering," Zelda whispered to Hilda, "is MSG around yet?"  
  
The party of four went inside, and Joxer walked up to his era's equivalent of a   
maitre d'. "I'd like to have seating for, uh, three," he said. "I'm Joxer."  
  
"Fine," the Asiatic man replied, writing Joxer's name on a scroll. "And your   
companions are named-"  
  
"Hilda," Joxer declared as he sneaked a wink in her direction. "That's spelled   
H-I-L-D-A, I believe..."  
  
"Isn't he so intelligent?" Hilda grinned.  
  
"...And her sister's name is spelled X-E-L-D-A." Joxer coached as he attempted to   
peer over the scroll to ensure the maitre d' was transcribing it accurately.  
  
"No!" Zelda insisted. "That's with a Z."  
  
"You're kidding, of course," Joxer replied. "Look-you're dressed like Xena, your   
name sounds like Xena's, and everybody knows 'Xena' begins with an X. Therefore,   
your name begins with X, too." He beamed proudly. "In addition to my skills as a   
warrior, I am also a master of logic!"  
  
Zelda--or should we say, Xelda--threw up her hands in resignation. "Why waste   
energy on this battle?" she said to Hilda. "Xelda with an X it is." She peered   
down at Salem, who from inside the bag gave her a caustic feline smile.  
  
"How long will we have to wait for a table?" Hilda asked Joxer.  
  
"Not very long, I'm sure."  
  
"Are you sure we didn't wind up in a Seinfeld episode?" Hilda muttered to her   
sister.  
  
* * *  
  
"Well, this is it!" Sabrina announced to her two "teen" companions as they   
arrived at the corner of Gladir and DeCarlo. "Welcome to the Slicery. If Harvey   
and Val are here, we'll all divvy up a pizza."  
  
"Harvey and Val?" Gabrielle asked.  
  
"My friends. You'll like them. They're nice."  
  
"Are they just like you?"  
  
"Well, except for you-know-what," Sabrina replied with a wink of an eye and a   
finger to her lips.  
  
Upon entering, Sabrina saw Harvey Kinkle and Valerie Birkhead bent over the   
foosball table. She waved as she approached them, and they returned the favor.  
  
"Hey, Sab, how ya doin'?" Harvey said, giving her a hug. "Who are these folks?"  
  
"Uh...exchange students, from Greece. They're staying with us for a while."  
  
"And you never even told me about it for the school paper?" Val said. "That's a   
good story you've got there."  
  
"Bureaucratic red tape. You know how these things go." Sabrina smiled over her   
guile. "Anyway, I want you to meet Gabrielle--" (who waved) "--and Xe...that's it,   
Zee. Short for Zoe." Xena's eyes opened in surprise, but Sabrina countered with   
an "I know what I'm doing" stare. Short for Zoe?  
  
"Z...must be a popular letter in Greece," Harvey said. "Like in Zorba. My mom's   
made us sit through it two or three times on our VCR during this pregnancy of   
hers."  
  
"I'll take your word for it," Xena said, shaking Harvey's hand.  
  
"Boy, you're tall," Harvey said to Xena. "You look like you could play some   
basketball. Hey, Val, don't the Lady Scallions need some frontcourt help?"  
  
"How would I know?" she replied. "We have no sports editor since Jayson James   
moved to Syracuse last week."  
  
"Ah, Sicily," Gabrielle said.  
  
"Uh, she was telling me earlier she has a friend in Syracuse named Cicely,"   
Sabrina hurriedly covered. "Small world, isn't it?"  
  
Xena examined the foosball table with a scrupulous eye. "What is this for?" she   
asked.  
  
"Oh, I guess they must not have foosball in Greece, huh?" Harvey answered.   
"Well, I know it looks complicated, but the basic idea is pretty, uh..." he   
searched for the right word, "basic, I guess. See, all these poles control your   
guys, and the other player has that set of poles for their own guys. You can   
move them laterally--that means from side to side," Harvey grinned proudly,   
hoping he'd made up for his earlier vocabulary setback, "like this, and you can   
also turn the handles to make them kick." He demonstrated as he explained. "You   
try to get the ball past the other player's guys and through their goal, while   
you also keep them from getting it through your goal."  
  
"So it's sort of a war game?" Xena asked. "Defense and assault?"  
  
"I hadn't thought of it that way," Harvey said, "but Coach always talks about   
sports being war, so yeah, I guess you're right."  
  
"Not the most effective layout for a phalanx," Xena muttered as she studied the   
table, "and the limited mobility doesn't make for a very accurate simulation of   
battlefield conditions...but the principles are sound."  
  
"Well, I've always enjoyed it," Harvey replied. "Would you like to try it?"  
  
"Harvey, she's never played before," Val cautioned.  
  
"Don't worry," he whispered carefully. "I promise I'll take it easy on her."  
  
* * *  
  
Having finally been seated, Joxer, Hilda and "Xelda" looked over their menus as   
Salem kept himself concealed in the bag.  
  
"I feel like chop suey," Hilda remarked.  
  
"Sue the barmaid?" exclaimed Joxer, taken aback. "What's she done to you?"  
  
"Nothing, never mind," Xelda hurriedly explained. "A little cultural   
misunderstanding." She leaned over to her sister and whispered, "Chop suey   
doesn't exist yet. It's not even real Chinese food, it was invented in America!"  
  
"Whoopsie," Hilda blushed.  
  
Just then, a server arrived bearing three mugs. "I took the liberty of ordering   
the drinks when I reserved the table," Joxer explained.  
  
"Aw, that's sweet," said Hilda.  
  
"Although," Xelda commented as she dubiously sniffed her beverage, "you could   
have asked us what we wanted first."  
  
"Oh, I didn't want to trouble you," Joxer replied. "Besides, it's my treat. No   
common ales for you ladies...nothing but the finest mead in the house!"  
  
Joxer raised his cup, and the two sisters followed suit after only a moment's   
hesitation. "To the fair Hilda and her strapping sister Xelda!"  
  
Xelda silently mouthed, "Strapping?" to Hilda.  
  
"It's the leather," Hilda whispered to her older sister. "Makes a gal look   
more...robust."  
  
Nevertheless, Xelda obligingly accepted Joxer's toast. Joxer gulped down a   
mouthful of mead as his guests took a cautious sip.  
  
A pronounced grimace worked its way over Xelda's face, then migrated over to   
Hilda's. "No wonder mead went out of fashion," Xelda quietly gasped.  
  
"Ooh, that's a taste you gotta get used to," Hilda said. She then took another   
swallow. "Nope, not used to it yet," she winced.  
  
"Better take it easy, Hildy," Xelda warned.  
  
"Oh, relax," her sister scoffed. "This stuff's made from honey, right? How   
strong could a breakfast sweetener-based drink be?"  
  
By the time their meals arrived, Xelda had gleaned a fair idea of how strong it   
could be, though Hilda still appeared oblivious.  
  
"I love this place!" Hilda giggled, fumbling with her chopsticks. "Great food,   
great atmoshfear...and the people!" She leaned over toward her sister and grinned   
conspiratorially. "They live hard, work hard, play hard...they're so virile!"  
  
Joxer puffed out his chest with pride.  
  
"Take those guys over there, for instance."  
  
Joxer sank back into his seat.  
  
Hilda continued, "All these hunky guys in these macho period outfits...except for   
a small matter of grooming, it's like living in a Fabio calendar!" She made a   
sweeping gesture as she staggered to her feet. "I could really go for someone   
rugged and barbaric." Much to Xelda's chagrin, Hilda began climbing up onto the   
table. "Find me...a primitive man..." Her speech began to approximate a musical   
rhythm. "Bent...on a primitive plan..."  
  
"Oh, Lordy love a duck," Xelda moaned, putting her hand to her forehead in   
mortification, "not Cole Porter, please!"  
  
"Hey, could be worse," Salem remarked from inside the bag. "She could be singing   
'Love for Sale.'"  
  
Naturally, Hilda's antics had begun to attract the attention of other patrons.   
Not even noticing, she continued crooning: "I don't mean the kind that belongs   
to a club, but the kind that has a club that belongs to him..."  
  
The patrons began to clap rhythmically as the still-oblivious Hilda sang on.  
  
"She's not bad," Salem clandestinely told Xelda. "Not great by any means, but   
not bad. Somewhat reminiscent of Lee Wiley, with a touch of Anita O'Day by way   
of Peggy Lee...for once, we can say Hilda really is ahead of her time. Of course,   
this time never truly existed, but..."  
  
Xelda said nothing, but shook her head silently.  
  
Joxer beamed. "Beautiful and talented," he gushed as Hilda gave him a wink.   
"What a special woman."  
  
"There's going to be trouble, I just know it," Xelda muttered.  
  
"The only man who could ever win me," Hilda belted out, "has gotta wake up the   
gypsy in me..."  
  
"I'll wake up yer gypsy for ya!" bellowed a hulking, shaven-headed brute of a   
man as he rose to his feet and started staggering towards Hilda's table.  
  
"Is my club big enough for ya?" slurred another bruiser as he clumsily   
brandished a cudgel.  
  
"Aaaaand here's trouble, right on cue," Salem commented.  
  
* * *  
  
Xena briskly brushed her hands together in the classic dusting-off maneuver as   
the group walked from the foosball table to their booth. "Well, that was a nice   
little diversion," she remarked.  
  
"That was really nice of you to let her win," Valerie whispered to the sulking   
Harvey, "and so many games, too!"  
  
"Let her...?" Harvey started in confusion, then sensed an out to salvage his   
pride. "Oh, yeah, let her win. Oh, it was nothing, really."  
  
After they sat down, Gabrielle picked up the menu from the table and began   
poring over it.  
  
"Oh, uh," Sabrina explained, "just take a look through that and then decide what   
kind of pizza you want to eat from there."  
  
Gabrielle looked at Sabrina as if she'd lost her mind.  
  
"We know what menus are for," Xena whispered testily.  
  
"Oh, right, of course you do. Naturally, all the best Greek restaurants have   
menus. It's what they're known for," Sabrina babbled in an attempt to recover.  
  
"I like Greek food," Harvey said. "We visited relatives in Astoria, Queens a few   
years ago, and they took us out for some souvlaki."  
  
"I can't say I've ever heard of a queen named Astoria," Xena said, "but there   
are a lot of things in this new world I'm not familiar with."  
  
"New World," Sabrina again defensively blurted. "Little geography joke." She   
stared across at Xena as if to say, "Leave it at that."  
  
"Listen, I suggest dividing a pizza," Val said. "Let's choose a topping--here   
comes the waitress."  
  
The waitress, a slightly chunky bleached blonde, walked to their table and said   
in a southwestern drawl, "So what'll you order tonight?"  
  
"Do you have nutbread?" Gabrielle asked.  
  
"Only if you think garlic's a nut," the waitress sighed. "By the way, hon, you   
look like someone I once knew from Texas."  
  
"Taxes?" Gabrielle said puzzledly. "Do I look like a collector?"  
  
"Garlic bread, that sounds good," Sabrina interjected. "Yeah, we'll start with   
some garlic bread."  
  
"Okay," Val said, "now what kind of pizza are we getting?"  
  
"How about Canadian bacon?" Harvey suggested.  
  
Gabrielle pondered this new, unfamiliar word. Kanaydeeing? Must be some new way   
of curing it, she supposed. She opened her mouth to ask what it meant, then   
thought better of it. She didn't want to appear completely ignorant, after all.   
"Bacon sounds good," she simply said. She didn't know how they kanaydeed bacon,   
but she hoped it didn't change the flavor too much.  
  
Val, Sabrina and finally Xena murmured their agreement.  
  
"All right," the waitress said, "one Canadian bacon, garlic bread on the side.   
That'll be ready in just a few minutes," she added as she headed back to the   
kitchen.  
  
"So," Val suggested, "while we're waiting, anyone want to play the jukebox?"  
  
"Another game?" Xena asked.  
  
"Oh, no, no, no," Sabrina hurriedly answered. "Language barrier," she explained   
to her friends. "No, the jukebox is for music."  
  
"I don't know that instrument," said Gabrielle.  
  
"Language barrier again," Sabrina interrupted. "Don't worry, just leave it to   
us."  
  
As Val stood, she said "I'll go and pick something out."  
  
"Okay," Harvey agreed. "Hey, see if they've got anything by Prince."  
  
"You mean the Artist Formerly Known as Prince," Val corrected good-humoredly.  
  
"Oh, he was deposed?" Gabrielle whispered to Sabrina.  
  
"Long story," Sabrina replied. "I'll tell you later."  
  
"Well, at least he's found something constructive to do since falling from   
power. Does he paint or sculpt?"  
  
"Later," Sabrina hissed gently.  
  
Val stood before the jukebox, carefully making her selection. Finally, she   
inserted her coins, pressed the buttons, and soon the opening strains of "Maria"   
floated through the Slicery.  
  
"Hey, Blondie!" a nearby teen remarked.  
  
Gabrielle turned to Sabrina. "Are you going to let him call you that? I think   
it's demeaning."  
  
"Oh, he wasn't talking to me," Sabrina hurriedly explained.  
  
"Still, it's pretty rude."  
  
"Just let it go," Sabrina urged. "Please?"  
  
Harvey began nodding to the beat and started mouthing along with Deborah Harry's   
vocals. He looked at Xena, who initially didn't know what to think of this   
unusual sound.  
  
"We're not used to this back in Greece," she said with a smile. "And where is   
she singing? I don't see her."  
  
"What a kidder," Sabrina said defensively.  
  
"It rocks, though, doesn't it?" said Val as she returned to the booth.  
  
"Whatever you say," Gabrielle answered. Ah, they're getting the hang of it,   
Sabrina thought to herself.  
  
The music slowly began making an impact on Xena; she started moving with the   
rhythm. When the second chorus began, she followed Harvey's lead and mouthed the   
words, albeit self-consciously: "Maria...you've gotta see her...go insane and   
out of your mind..."  
  
"By Jove, I think she's got it," Sabrina said, recalling a road-show production   
of My Fair Lady she and Zelda had seen a few months ago. "You like this music,   
Zee?"  
  
"Yeah," Xena replied, nodding her head. When the third chorus came, she stood up   
and began singing: "Maria...you've gotta see her...go insane and out of your   
mind..."  
  
"She's good," Val said. "Fabulous voice."  
  
"Almost operatic," Harvey added, snapping his fingers.  
  
"I'm impressed," Sabrina said, but then remembered Lucy Lawless did have some   
singing ability, and showed it in--what episode was that?--oh yeah, now she   
remembered. "Her voice has kind of a bittersweet quality, you might say." She   
grinned at her little private joke.  
  
"Hey," someone said, "we oughta invite her to sing the national anthem before a   
game."  
  
Sabrina shook her head, recalling an infamous Lawless anthem incident at a   
hockey game. "I don't think that's such a good idea...uh, she's from Greece,   
after all, and wouldn't be familiar with it."  
  
Another chorus, another voicing from Xena--this time with a little dancing.  
  
Gabrielle, a bit embarrassed, was not impressed. "I'll go out of my mind if she   
doesn't stop," she pleaded.  
  
"Oh, all right," Xena said. "That's it. You are such a killjoy." She glanced   
toward the muted TV set hanging from the corner and saw a middle-aged woman   
talking to somebody unseen on screen. "Who is she?"  
  
"Oh, that's Madeline Albright," Sabrina said. "She's the secretary of state."  
  
"I like her," Xena replied. "Such resolve on her face."  
  
That figures, Sabrina thought.  
  
* * *  
  
"This has gone from being simply embarrassing to downright dangerous," Xelda   
muttered as Hilda's admirers drew closer. "I think it's time for a sobriety   
spell." Pointing at her sister, she recited: "My sister's drunk more than the   
Fest of Oktober, but one simple spell and she's instantly sober."  
  
A small shower of sparkles surrounded Hilda, who shook her head as she regained   
her bearings. She looked at the burly brutes approaching after her favors.   
"Oopsie," she remarked.  
  
"Never fear, fair Hilda!" Joxer exclaimed. "I shall defend your honor!"  
  
He rose and interposed himself between the table and the closest of Hilda's   
audience. "Stand back, rabble! The lady is spoken for!"  
  
Joxer's declaration was answered with a single punch to the face.  
  
"Okay, maybe 'rabble' was a bit harsh..." Joxer groaned as his legs wobbled and   
folded beneath him.  
  
"Now there's no need for that!" Xelda scolded as she stepped up to Joxer's   
assailant.  
  
By this time, the original source of the commotion had retreated underneath the   
table.  
  
"I see you've chosen the better part of valor as well," Salem grinned to Hilda.  
  
"I'm not hiding!" Hilda snapped. "I just...lost a contact. And you know I'll never   
find a replacement around here."  
  
"Suuuure," said Salem.  
  
Outside the shelter of the table, a large man stood intimidatingly close to   
Xelda. "And what are you gonna do about it?" he challenged.  
  
"Surely we can settle any sort of disagreement peaceably," Xelda replied calmly.  
  
"That guy," the man pointed to Joxer's crumpled form, "got in my way. I'm gonna   
take him apart...piece-by-pieceably. Is that good enough for ya?"  
  
"I simply can't allow that," Xelda said firmly.  
  
"Oh yeah?" the man growled. "Who do you think you are, huh? You think you're   
gonna scare us just by dressing up like Xena, missy?"  
  
"She's going to get killed," Hilda winced from her vantage point.  
  
"Oh, definitely," Salem added.  
  
"Well, can't we do anything about it?"  
  
"Nothing comes to mind offhand," Salem moaned.  
  
"That stupid outfit you suggested for her isn't helping any," Hilda admonished.   
"You heard what that guy said."  
  
"Wait a minute!" Salem exclaimed. "That's it! The outfit!"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"She's got the look...all we need to do is give her the moves!"  
  
Hilda's eyes lit up. "Gotcha." She pointed towards her sister and chanted:   
"Tough boots, funky tights and rough leather threads, help her finish the fights   
and bust some heads!"  
  
"Did it work?" Salem asked.  
  
"We'll find out soon enough," Hilda replied as she crossed her fingers.  
  
"Now listen, there's no need for any of this..." Xelda tried to persuade the   
brute.  
  
"I'm tired of all this talking!" the man grunted as he grabbed Xelda by the   
shoulders to shove her aside.  
  
By its own accord, Xelda's foot jerked up sharply and caught the bruiser in a   
very vulnerable area.  
  
Xelda's eyes widened simultaneously with her foes'. "Did I do that?" she gasped.  
  
"She kicked Big Jac!" an onlooker exclaimed.  
  
"Nobody does that to me," Big Jac growled as best he could with his voice an   
octave above its usual register.  
  
As he lunged at Xelda, she smoothly sidestepped, grabbed his arm and flung him   
against the wall. Again, she was as surprised as he was.  
  
"It's working!" Hilda chuckled gleefully.  
  
Two of Jac's drinking companions rushed Xelda from opposite sides. She simply   
leapt high into the air and let them collide with each other. As she   
somersaulted in mid-air to a graceful landing, she wondered, Why do I have this   
sudden urge to yodel?  
  
Another attacker ran toward her, and she easily reversed his charge with a   
mighty kick.  
  
"The power!" Salem exulted.  
  
Xelda had to admit to herself, this action was rather exhilarating. She could no   
longer suppress the urge. "Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!" she trilled.  
  
"The passion!" Hilda gasped.  
  
Joxer shook his head groggily as he came to, just in time to see Xelda hurl an   
opponent in his direction.  
  
"The danger!" Joxer yelped, right before impact.  
  
Xelda raised her hand to her mouth in shock. "Oh, I'm sorry, Joxer," she said in   
chagrin.  
  
"No problem," Joxer groaned. "I finished him off for you."  
  
"Thank you," Xelda grinned. Well, why not humor him?  
  
Xelda looked around the restaurant, which was now strangely peaceful. All of her   
opponents were either literally stunned into silence or cowed into submission.  
  
"Now," she admonished, "as I was saying, there are other ways to settle our   
differences than through violence."  
  
"That's right," Hilda added, stepping up to her sister's side.  
  
Xelda approached one man who was feebly attempting to conceal the dagger he'd   
been brandishing. She snatched it from his grasp with no resistance at all. "You   
don't need this to solve your problems," she said as she handed the dagger over   
to Hilda.  
  
What am I supposed to do with this? Hilda thought. Making sure nobody was in the   
way, she flung it aside, where it lodged in a tapestry on the wall depicting a   
rampant bull (a holdover from the tavern's previous incarnation).  
  
"Violence is the last resort of those who've exhausted all other options," Xelda   
continued as she took a dagger from a second man, "or those too lazy to consider   
those options in the first place." She handed the blade to Hilda, who again   
tossed it at the wall. This time the dagger struck an inch from the bull's eye.  
  
"There are so many other ways to resolve disagreements," Xelda went on. "If not   
through calm, reasoned debate, then perhaps through games or contests..."  
  
By this time, though, her audience's attention was focused more on Hilda's   
actions than Xelda's words.  
  
"That looks like fun!" one man shouted. He rose to his feet and hurled his   
dagger at the tapestry. "Ha!" he yelled. "Right in the bull's eye!"  
  
"My turn now!" proclaimed another man.  
  
As Xelda took in the bizarre spectacle, her sister placed a hand on her   
shoulder. "Look at it this way, sis. You may not have solved the world's   
problems...but at least we've invented a bar game that will live through the   
ages."  
  
Meanwhile, Salem had been lapping up his fill of Xelda's unattended glass of   
mead. Hey, as long as nobody else wants it..., he figured.  
  
Noticing the little black cat, a buxom barmaid came over and scratched behind   
his ears. "Oh, aren't you the cutest little thing?" she cooed.  
  
"Why thank you, my saucy wench," Salem replied. "Would you join me in a tavern   
ballad? 'And away, you santee, my dear honey, Oh, you New York girls, you love   
us for our--'"  
  
Before he could complete the chorus, the barmaid fainted.  
  
"Drat!" Salem muttered. "Always before I get to the good part."  
  
* * *  
  
After a tentative first bite, Gabrielle practically devoured her share of the   
pizza. "This is fantastic!" she enthused between slices. "I've never had   
anything like this before!"  
  
"Italian food isn't that big in Greece," Sabrina whispered in explanation to   
Valerie. "I think it has something to do with some unresolved issues about the   
Romans copying their pantheon."  
  
As the last bite was consumed and the last soda sipped, the waitress brought the   
bill. Out of habit, Xena reached inside her bag and flung a couple of heavy   
coins onto the table.  
  
"Wow, I've never seen Greek money before," Harvey said as he picked up one of   
the dinars.  
  
"I had an uncle who brought back some from his vacation," Valerie commented as   
she peered over Harvey's shoulder, "but it didn't look anything like that."  
  
"Oh, that's because this is the Euro," Sabrina replied, snatching away the coins   
before her friends could look too closely. "You know, that new common currency?"   
She returned the coins to Xena, explaining. "Don't worry about the bill...you're   
our guests, after all. I'll take care of it. Besides, I don't think the   
Slicery's set up to figure out the exchange rate."  
  
Harvey looked at his watch. "Gee, I didn't realize it was getting so late! I'd   
better be going home...my mom'll be worried sick."  
  
"Enjoyed meeting you two," Val said as she shook hands with Xena, then   
Gabrielle. "Looking forward to seeing you in school tomorrow."  
  
Both Xena and Gabrielle turned to Sabrina, who said, "That's right...big day   
tomorrow. At school." The two took the hint and said nothing.  
  
After Val and Harvey had departed and Sabrina had paid the bill, Sabrina and her   
two companions started walking home.  
  
Now that they were in private, Xena asked "What's this about school?"  
  
"I've got to be able to keep an eye on you two until we can get you home,"   
Sabrina explained, "so it'd be best if you came with me. Don't worry...since   
you're 'exchange students,' you won't be expected to be completely in the swing   
of things."  
  
As Gabrielle pondered this almost-musical turn of phrase, her reverie was   
crudely interrupted when a man stepped out of an alleyway and blocked their   
path. "Hand over the bags!" he barked, brandishing a knife menacingly.  
  
Great, Sabrina thought. As if things weren't complicated enough, we have to run   
into the local rep of the muggers'union.  
  
"You want the bag?" Xena asked. "Take it!" With that, she swung her purse in one   
sudden movement. The weight of the chakram, only slightly softened by the   
material of the bag, thudded against the mugger's head. He dropped like a stone.  
  
"Highwaymen," Xena shrugged. "I guess some things are the same wherever you go.   
Luckily, they're just as stupid here."  
  
"What are we going to do with him?" Gabrielle asked.  
  
"Well, we can't leave him to wake up and rob the next person who comes along,"   
Sabrina contemplated, "and the last thing I need is a police report to make this   
situation even more complicated."  
  
"What do you suggest, then?" Xena asked.  
  
"Well, since there's nobody around to see this..." Sabrina held out her left hand,   
pointed to it with her right, and suddenly a small bottle materialized in her   
palm. She poured a small dusting of powder over the unconscious criminal. "And   
now for the finishing touch." She gestured to the mugger. "You can call him a   
thug, a crook or a hood, but just send him away where he'll do the most good!"  
  
Instantly, the robber vanished from sight.  
  
"What did you do to him?" Gabrielle asked.  
  
Sabrina held up the bottle. "Truth sprinkles," she said. "Just what the doctor   
ordered."  
  
"And what happened then? Where did that spell of yours send him?"  
  
"Just where I said...the place where he'll do the most good."  
  
"Hey, Sheila!" the desk sergeant at the Westbridge Police Department building   
called out to a young patrolwoman as she entered the door. "You arrest a guy   
named Freddie Rappaport today?"  
  
"No," the officer answered. "I've had a really quiet shift...just a few speeding   
tickets and stuff like that."  
  
"Strangest thing," the sergeant said. "Nobody remembers arresting this guy...but   
somehow, he wound up in a holding cell, waiving his lawyer and confessing away,   
and we can't get him to shut up!"  
  
* * *  
  
After the dinner crowd had departed from the Charging Dragon, Sue the barmaid   
was chatting with the last few stragglers and hangers-on.  
  
"So she's singing, right? And everyone's getting rowdy, naturally...and then there   
was this blonde lady, dressed sort of like Xena, and she took on the whole   
crowd! So then she tells everyone to stop fighting, and she and the other girl   
showed them this new game to play with knives instead. And then I saw this cat   
drinking somebody's mead, and it talked! And sang!"  
  
"Are you sure you haven't got your story the wrong way round?" somebody laughed.   
"Sounds more like you had the mead!"  
  
The assembled patrons jeered, hooted, and guffawed--all except for one man. The   
swarthy, handsome listener sat silently, rubbing his goatee in contemplation.  
  
"A talking cat?" Autolycus asked. "Tell me more..."  
  
* * *  
  
"A spectacular display of fighting prowess!" Joxer proclaimed as the group of   
four wanderers trudged through a field. "You were pretty good yourself, too,   
Xelda," he added. "Yep, you proved yourself quite a warrior back there...forged in   
the heat of battle!" he declared dramatically.  
  
"Yeah, right," Salem muttered.  
  
"Well," Joxer said as he gestured around the clearing, "here's as good a spot as   
any to set up camp!" He took a tattered blanket from his pack and laid it upon   
the ground.  
  
Xelda and Hilda looked at him incredulously for a moment. "Are you serious?"  
  
"Ah," he beamed proudly, "a true warrior needs nothing more than the open air   
and the blanket of stars for a good night's rest."  
  
"Fine," Hilda said. "You take the air and stars." She pointed, and a sturdy tent   
materialized. "While you're at it, we'll be in here."  
  
Xelda gave her sister a reprimanding gaze.  
  
"Oh, all right," Hilda responded. "And one for you, too." A second, smaller tent   
appeared over Joxer's blanket.  
  
The two sisters entered their tent and settled down into the luxurious   
mattresses Hilda had conjured up.  
  
"I have to admit," Xelda remarked, "I still can't believe what I got up to back   
there. All that jumping and acrobatics...I felt like Douglas Fairbanks. Senior,"   
she clarified.  
  
"Charming guy," Hilda replied, "though I was always more of a Mary Pickford   
fan." With a casual gesture, she reshaped her hair into an imitation of   
Pickford's ringlets.  
  
"Okay, 'America's Sweetheart,'" Xelda commented wryly, "let's just call it a   
night."  
  
"Fine," Hilda sighed as she restored her hair to its original style.  
  
About an hour later, in the other tent, Salem crept over beside Joxer's head.  
  
"Psst!" Salem whispered. "You awake, buddy?"  
  
Joxer's only reply was a resounding snore.  
  
"Just what I wanted to know. Thanks."  
  
Silently, Salem pushed his way through the tent flap and emerged into the night.   
The darkness was no obstacle to his feline senses.  
  
"Now," he grinned, "if I remember my Xena history correctly, we're not that far   
from where Joxer found the ambrosia. And once I get my paws on that," he   
chuckled, "nothing will stand in my way!"  
  
DISCLAIMER: No permanent damage was done to the music of Some Unknown Dylan,   
Isaac Hayes, Cole Porter, Blondie, or Steeleye Span during the making of this   
chapter. Especially Cole Porter...if he can survive Burt Reynolds and Cybill   
Shepherd's renditions, he can survive anything.  
  
  
  
Chapter Four  
  
  
Sabrina turned the key and entered her house, with her pseudo-teen friends   
behind her. "So far, so good," she said, but quickly changed her mind once she   
saw some tiny deposits on the kitchen floor, courtesy of Xena's miniaturized   
mare Argo.  
  
"In the words of Libby Chessler, 'Ew,'" Sabrina said, pointing her fingers at a   
few places to zap away the offending material. "At least they were too small to   
leave any noticeable odor."  
  
Xena smiled. "Earlier, I was going to ask where Argo would do her business, but   
figured you had that solved already."  
  
"Well, she took to Salem's cat corral so well, I just assumed she'd figure out   
the litter box as well. Guess I should have given her a few pointers." Sabrina   
pointed at the feline-sized equine. "Argo's a horse who certainly rocks, teach   
her to use the cat's litter box!" Seconds later, Argo strolled over to Salem's   
private place and, well...  
  
"I'm impressed," Gabrielle said.  
  
Xena stared at her companion and whispered, "Give Argo some privacy."  
  
"It's getting late, and we need to get some sleep," Sabrina said. "Now, each of   
you can use one of my aunts' bedrooms."  
  
"I appreciate the offer," Xena said, "but after that incident on the way home   
tonight, I'd feel more comfortable being on sentry down here. Let Gabrielle get   
her rest."  
  
Sabrina waved her hand. "No need to--this is a safe neighborhood, despite what   
happened tonight. But if you're more secure sleeping on the sofa, then be my   
guest." Force of habit, she guessed.  
  
"Gabrielle, you go upstairs," Xena said. "I'll rest here, but be vigilant."  
  
"Follow me," Sabrina said to Gabrielle. "You want Hilda's room or Zelda's?"  
  
"Is there a difference?"  
  
"Not really." And not true either, Sabrina admitted to herself. Zelda's room was   
a very sensible, low-key array of muted reds and blues, while Hilda's was a bit   
more garish, with pink and off-white the dominant colors. She decided to lead   
Gabrielle to Zelda's room.  
  
"Let me turn on the light," Sabrina said, flipping a switch as Gabrielle watched   
in amazement.  
  
"You mean that's not magic?"  
  
"Noooo, just technology." She paused to set up an analogy. "You've heard of   
Archimedes?"  
  
"Do you take me for a fool? Of course," Gabrielle replied.  
  
"Well, this is the work of some of his descendants. Not literal ones, mind you,   
but people who have studied science and come up with ideas to benefit our   
society."  
  
"It is pretty remarkable," Gabrielle said as she fell onto the bed. "So we are   
in the future, then."  
  
"Yep, but just rest and enjoy yourself," Sabrina said, making sure to shut off   
the alarm on the clock radio. Sure Gabrielle would have to get up early to go to   
school, but hearing a disembodied voice upon waking may not be good for her.  
  
* * *  
  
Salem crept through the night. "Okay," he muttered, "Now that ambrosia should be   
this way." He purred enthusiastically as he imagined how the food of the gods   
might affect him. Soon, he would be restored to his human form, his magic   
stronger than ever before. Either that, or he'd be the world's most powerful   
cat. Both scenarios had their upsides. As long I don't end up with those   
funny-looking eyes like ambrosia-eaters get on the show, he thought. My night   
vision is good enough as it is.  
  
Suddenly, Salem stopped in his tracks and sniffed the air. "Is that tuna I   
smell?" he wondered. He sniffed again. "Yes it is!"  
  
He turned his head back and forth, torn in indecision. "Tuna...ambrosia... tuna..."   
Finally, he bolted in the direction of the fishy scent. After all, the ambrosia   
would keep, but you gotta get the fish while it's still fresh.  
  
Salem made his way to the tuna, lying on the ground near a small wooded area.   
Probably dropped by some fisherman on his way home, Salem thought. Well, chances   
are he'll never miss it...  
  
As he pounced on the dead fish, a quick snapping sound flew through the air. A   
split-second later, so did Salem, as a carefully-concealed patch of canvas   
underneath his feet hoisted him up. The edges of the canvas cinched together,   
transforming the sheet into a very serviceable bag.  
  
"Hey, what's going on here?" Salem screeched.  
"So it does talk," Autolycus mused as he emerged from the woods. "I know   
somebody who'll pay a lot of money for this find!" he chuckled.  
  
Uh-oh, Salem thought, I'm being catnapped! Well, at least it's Autolycus, so I   
might be able to get out of this. He may be the King of Thieves, but he's   
basically a decent guy. After all, he did leave this fish in the bag with me...  
  
Salem put his escape plans on hold as he tore into the tuna.  
  
* * *  
  
Hilda tried to get the sleep out of her eyes. She could hear the sound of water,   
with Xelda's voice over it. Or was that voices?  
  
"Kentucky...you are the sweetest land outside of heaven to me..." Xelda was   
indeed singing...double-tracked, in the midst of a shower she had zapped up.  
  
"Ever since you bought that Everly Brothers box set, you've been singing from   
it--and both Don and Phil's parts, too," Hilda, now out of bed, said to her   
sister as she neared the shower. "You want to wake Salem and Joxer?"  
  
"I like the Everlys' harmonies," Xelda retorted, poking her shampooed head   
through the shower curtain. "And I don't do it that often. Too much   
double-tracking puts a strain on a witch's vocal chords, you know." In fact, she   
recalled, the first time she'd heard Patti Page sing "Tennessee Waltz," she'd   
been convinced she was a witch.  
  
Hilda grumbled. "Well, I still remember what happened in 1961, when you called   
that Liverpool band 'ersatz Everlys' and dissuaded me from becoming their   
manager. And to think because of you, I missed out on signing the Fab Four!"  
  
Xelda shut off the shower. "You're not blameless, either. If you hadn't been   
late with the twenty-five dollars worth of trinkets back in 1626, I would've   
owned Manhattan Island. But no, you had to spend a few extra minutes with that   
young man in the tavern."  
  
"He was cute!"  
  
"Whatever," Xelda sighed.  
  
Joxer entered the tent, two large fish in tow. "Good morning, dear ladies," he   
said. "I have your breakfast, fresh from a nearby lake."  
  
"How sweet!" Hilda replied.  
  
Upon hearing Joxer's voice, Xelda zapped her clothes on before she left the   
shower. Sure, it would look a little unusual to him, but under these   
circumstances...  
  
"The armor needed some cleaning," she explained.  
  
"Howdy, Jox, and thanks for the fish," Hilda said, grabbing the fish and zapping   
up a frying pan. "I'll set up breakfast outside. By the way, how's Salem?"  
  
"Er...well, to be honest with you, I don't know," he said.  
  
Hilda smiled. "Probably is looking for an impromptu litter box. Should've zapped   
one up for him last night."  
  
"That's right," Xelda said. Still, from the sound of Joxer's voice, she sensed a   
reason for concern.  
  
After zapping up a campfire, Hilda began yelling for Salem, but after a minute   
she neither saw a cat saunter back to her nor heard his feline tones. Must've   
wandered off in search of his own breakfast, she thought.  
  
"Salem! Fish here! Breakfast!"  
  
Still nothing.  
  
"This is not good," she mumbled to herself while returning to her tent. "Salem's   
not around," she told her sister and Joxer.  
  
"Not like him," Xelda said, turning to the ersatz warrior. "Now, Joxer, when did   
you see him last?"  
  
"Er...as I was getting ready to sleep last night," Joxer nervously answered. "He   
entered the tent as I was removing my armor, said good night, then left. I   
figured he was going to your tent...you know him better than I do."  
  
Xelda bristled. "Yes, we do. That's why we're worried. That cat loves getting   
into trouble. Where could he have wandered off?"  
  
"Well, I happen to know we're not that far away from where some ambrosia is   
stored." He smiled. "Of course, since he's a god already, why would he need it?"  
  
Hilda drew a breath. Ambrosia--food of the gods, she thought; one of the few   
thngs she still remembered from mythology class in the Other Realm. "Uh-oh," she   
said, looking at her older sister. "You putting two and two together?"  
  
"You come up with four!" Joxer proudly interjected.  
  
"Not what we meant," an irritated Xelda said. "Joxer, we have something to tell   
you about Salem."  
  
"Yep," Hilda said. "You see, Salem isn't really a cat, but a witch who's been   
sentenced to a hundred years of cathood by the Witches' Council for attempted   
world domination. I'm his guardian for the time being."  
  
"He thought he could beat Alexander at his own game?" Joxer said. "Pure folly."  
  
"Anyway," Xelda said, "if he gets that ambrosia, who knows how it will affect   
him. As a cat, he's roguish but essentially harmless. With powers, it's   
anybody's guess."  
  
Hilda nodded. "Joxer, you're going to have to lead us to the ambrosia so we get   
a hold of it before he does."  
  
"Consider it done," he gallantly answered. "Let us leave right away. But what   
about your breakfast?"  
  
Hilda zapped the fish into three fish sandwiches, all on French bread. "Don't   
worry--they're boneless," she said, handing one to Joxer.  
  
"You did hold the tartar sauce on mine," Xelda asked while taking hers.  
  
"Of course, sis."  
  
* * *  
  
The alarm rang in Sabrina's room, and she descended from her levitating sleep.   
Ah, 6:45, she noted. In just over 12 hours, she would be able to send Xena,   
Gabrielle and Argo back to their world, while retrieving her aunts and Salem   
from Xena's. But before she could, there was a day of school to survive.  
  
Time to shower, she thought as she left her bed, then wake up her ancient-era   
companions.  
  
Just after Sabrina began her shower, the morning light attacked Gabrielle's eyes   
and she slowly woke up. This is like a palace, she thought as she gazed about   
Zelda's room. Then she noticed something unusual atop one of the drawers and   
hurriedly ran out of bed to investigate.  
  
She stared at the item--an immobile, tiny Sabrina, barely bigger than her   
finger, alongside two other blonde women. What have the gods done to her?, she   
wondered.  
  
"Xena!" she yelled. Within seconds, the warrior princess stood at her side.  
  
"What's the matter?"  
  
"Look what's happened to Sabrina!" Gabrielle said. "The gods have trapped her   
and these other two women here. And they're frozen. How do we get them out?"  
"Doesn't look good," Xena conceded. "I'm guessing Ares discovered she was linked   
with us, and decided to send us a message. But--"  
  
"But what?"  
  
"Why...are they smiling?"  
  
Xena shook her head. "I don't know. I only wish we had her magic, or some   
ambrosia we could smear on that."  
  
Sabrina turned off the shower, zapped her clothes on, then left the bathroom to   
wake up Gabrielle. She found the bard and Xena engrossed in a family photograph.   
"Those are my aunts, Hilda and Zelda," she said.  
  
Xena and Gabrielle turned around. "You're okay!" Gabrielle exclaimed.  
  
Sabrina shrugged. "And why wouldn't I be?"  
  
"We thought you were trapped...in here," Xena said, pointing to the photo.  
  
"Oh, no," Sabrina replied, realizing the situation and trying to keep from   
laughing. "I just took a shower. I'm fine."  
  
"You're sure," Gabrielle wondered.  
  
"Of course."  
  
Xena smiled. "We were certain Ares had done something to you to try to get at   
us."  
  
"Not quite!" Sabrina said. "We have a little something called school to take   
care of, so the two of you better clean up. I'll take care of breakfast and set   
out your clothes for you."  
  
"Fine," Gabrielle said. "I'll shower first, if that's all right with you,"   
looking toward Xena. The warrior princess nodded.  
  
* * *  
  
"So you are a talking cat. You're sure you're not Hercules turned into an animal   
again," Autolycus said to his bagged captive as he walked along. "Herc as a   
hog," he mused with a smirk. "Still brings a smile just thinking about it."  
  
"No, I am not Hercules, or Iolaus," Salem said. "Just a cat, sir. Salem   
Saberhagen's the name." He's certainly taking this better than Joxer did, he   
thought.  
  
"A cat. Hmmm...what in the name of Zeus do you like to talk about?"  
"I'm a generalist," Salem replied. "Foreign policy, ice hockey, the Spice Girls.   
You name it, I talk it. I pride myself on my multifacetedness."  
  
"Sounds as if you fancy yourself as some sort of intellectual, which you   
certainly are for a feline," Autolycus said. "But not smart enough to outwit the   
King--  
  
"--of Thieves," Salem mouthed to himself as Autolycus completed the sentence.  
  
Better play up to his ego, Salem thought. "I have heard of you, Autolycus,   
through lore and legend, of your wily ways and mastery of thievery--but also of   
your inherent decency," the cat said to his captor.  
  
"If you are trying to sweeten me up in hopes I will release you, then you had   
better try much, much harder," the thief replied with a smile.  
  
Well, that figures, Salem mused. Maybe I should try a different tack. If I can't   
escape and get the ambrosia, maybe I could at least get treated like a god...   
"Autolycus, you are a shrewd judge of the value of things. You know Cleopatra,   
and you know how the Egyptians regard us cats. Surely she would give you any   
price you desired for me."  
  
"I know Cleopatra?" Autolycus laughed. "I only wish! I've heard all kinds of   
rumors about myself, but that's a new one on me. Price of fame, I suppose."  
  
"Drat," Salem muttered, too softly for Autolycus to hear. "We must not have   
gotten to that episode yet."  
  
"Besides," Autolycus continued, "Egypt's a bit out of my way. No, I know someone   
much closer, who'll pay almost as much."  
  
"Who?" Salem asked. "And where?"  
  
"You'll find out soon enough. By the way, you did enjoy the tuna, I presume?"  
  
Salem purred.  
  
"Hmm...bilingual." Salmoneus will pay plenty of dinars for this one, Autolycus   
thought.  
  
* * *  
  
"The ambrosia is back over on the other side of the mountain, in a cave about   
three-quarters of the way up," Joxer told the sisters. "I'll head up there and   
wait for you to join me. Meanwhile, you go search for the cat--and if I find him   
before you do, I'll hold him there. See you there at midday."  
  
"Makes sense," Xelda said, "and you certainly know the terrain of--" she almost   
said New Zealand--"this area better than we do."  
  
"Please be careful," Hilda said to Joxer.  
  
"You needn't worry," he gallantly answered. "Joxer the Mighty is resourceful,   
intelligent and as tough as they come." He slowly walked away, briefly turning   
around to blow a kiss to Hilda, who returned the favor.  
  
As he turned away, Hilda pointed at him. "Hard working warrior, don't be   
uncouth, Joxer the Mighty, for once be the truth!" She smiled and turned to her   
sister. "Just gave him the same warrior powers I gave you last night--and like   
yours, they'll last for 24 hours. I'm not taking any chances."  
  
"From what I've seen of him, I don't blame you," Xelda said, and then coughed.  
  
"I just knew that would happen," Hilda said in admonishment. "Serves you right   
for double-tracking your voice. You are fortunate I am in a forgiving mood." She   
pointed and immediately zapped a half-dozen golden-shaded round lozenges into   
her hand. "Hmm...maybe a bit too smooth and modern for these times." So she zapped   
them again, and the lozenges became irregular in shape, resembling craggy chunks   
of rock candy.  
  
"Wait--I'm keeping a few for myself," Hilda said, placing three in the pocket of   
her outfit. "You can have the other three."  
  
"Fine," Xelda answered. "This footpath looks interesting...perhaps Salem   
followed it."  
  
"There are no pawprints."  
  
"Salem would be too shrewd for that," Xelda said. "He would walk on the edge of   
the grass, paralleling it."  
  
"Let's give it a try, but without losing sight of that mountain," her younger   
sister replied. With that, they went on their way.  
  
* * *  
  
Rather than summon Ancient Mariner a second time, Sabrina zapped up generic   
clothes for Xena and Gabrielle. This time, Xena would wear the dress...an   
attractive scarlet sleeveless number, hemmed a little above the knee, trimmed in   
royal purple. "She'll carry it well," Sabrina said to herself, reminding herself   
to make a copy in her size once Xena returned to her own environment.  
  
For Gabrielle, she created rust-colored slacks and a maize-tinted blouse. Subtle   
shades to make her blend in with the school population, she thought.  
The witch zapped up the necessary accessories--shoes, hose, lingerie--and their   
scholastic wardrobe was complete.  
  
"I'll be downstairs making breakfast," Sabrina said as she walked past the   
bathroom where Gabrielle was showering and the bedroom where Xena was looking   
out the window, surveying the territory. Sabrina could see the look of amazement   
on her eyes, but decided to let her be.  
  
* * *  
  
"Keep quiet until I tell you to speak," Autolycus said as they arrived at a   
small village. "It won't do either of us any good to attract attention until   
I've made the deal."  
  
"Gotcha," Salem replied. So, he thought to himself, he's not ready to let the   
cat out of the bag, so to speak...  
  
Carrying the concealed, silent feline, the King of Thieves scanned the village   
with intense scrutiny. The square was practically deserted...the farmers were all   
out working in the fields, everyone else was still asleep, and the merchants'   
stalls were unattended for lack of customers. "If anyone's open at this   
gods-forsaken hour," Autolycus observed, "it'll be him."  
  
Finally, his ears caught the faint sound of a dispute on the other end of the   
marketplace. He smiled as he rushed towards the commotion.  
  
The source of the brouhaha was a stout, balding man, angrily waving a bottle   
under the nose of a gray-bearded merchant.  
  
"I demand my money back!" the heavyset man shouted. "This potion of yours made   
me sick to my stomach!"  
  
"Of course it did," the merchant replied in a patient, conciliatory tone. "I   
don't see why you're so upset...I clearly told you that this is an appetite   
suppressant, guaranteed to help you lose weight. And now you're complaining that   
it works?"  
  
The customer gave him a puzzled look. He said "But--", then paused, searching   
for a counterpoint to attack the merchant's explanation. Finally, unable to   
formulate a logical objection, he conceded the point by leaving silently.  
  
"Yep, that's Salmoneus all right," Autolycus smirked.  
  
* * *  
  
"I must admit that pseudo-Greece is far more temperate than the real thing,"   
Xelda said. "Remember that archeological dig in Athens we went on with Sabrina's   
mother many years ago?"  
  
"Yep," Hilda replied, recalling Sabrina's pre-witch childhood and her niece's   
mortal mother. "You found all those artifacts, and I found nothing."  
  
"There's a knack to it," her older sister said. "I just...happen to have it."  
  
In the distance, Xelda noticed two women running through a field, chased by two   
men in armor. "Do you see what I see?" she asked Hilda.  
  
"Sure do," Hilda said, raising her finger. "Now what animal should I turn those   
guys into...gophers or squirrels?"  
  
"Been there, done that," Xelda replied, running toward them. "Let me take care   
of it my way!"  
  
"Be careful out there!" Hilda yelled.  
  
Xelda arrived on the scene with a Xena-like somersault that caught the crooks   
off guard. In the midst of her flip, she pulled a baseball-sized rock off the   
ground and fired it at a tree. It caromed off it and another tree, then hit one   
man in the helmet and rendering him unconscious. The two women the men had   
pursued watched in awe. So did Hilda.  
  
"Not bad, lady," the other thug said.  
  
"Thank you!" Xelda answered...rapidly spinning around and knocking him to the   
ground. She raised him up with one hand, picked up the second hoodlum with the   
other and threw them both against a large tree. "Any questions, gentlemen?" she   
said, as she waved at the women to leave the premises.  
  
"Errr, no," the conscious one mumbled.  
  
"Very good," she said, pulling a vine from the tree and wrapping into a knot   
around the pair. "There, nice and tight. Should hold you all day. Now I'm going   
to leave you here for a while to think about the error of your ways and let you   
determine a more ethical line of work for yourselves. Certainly you can use your   
skills for more productive purposes."  
  
"What...ever you say."  
  
"I'll be on my way now. Put your thinking caps on."  
  
Hilda stood about 50 feet away, admiring her sister's handiwork. "Not bad!" she   
said when Xelda rejoined her.  
  
"Isn't this wonderful, what I can do? Thank you, sis. Being a heroine is so   
thrilling!"  
  
Hilda beamed. "I'm glad you like it."  
  
"Imagine how I can help people!" Xelda said in exhiliration. "Wherever there is   
evil, wherever an innocent would suffer, there will be--Xelda!"  
  
"Hail!" Hilda answered, though she was worried her always-idealistic sister   
might be taking this a bit too far. "We've got to get back to searching for   
Salem. If we don't find him, Drell will have my hide."  
  
"Not literally, I hope."  
  
"Me neither!"  
  
* * *  
  
Once the flummoxed customer had departed, Autolycus approached Salmoneus.   
"Salmoneus, old pal!" he chuckled as he placed a hand on the merchant's   
shoulder. "Have I got something to show you...something with a lot of potential   
for profit."  
  
"For you or for me?" Salmoneus asked.  
  
"For both of us, my friend. You see," he continued, "I know our styles don't   
particularly mesh. I'm the King of Thieves. I see something, I take it. Now you,   
on the other hand...you're the thinker, the planner. I think short-term, you think   
long-term. That's what makes this find so special. It suits both of us--I profit   
right now, you get something to profit in the future."  
  
"Well," Salmoneus replied, "I can see why you'd have to be the King of Thieves,   
because you're certainly no salesman. Your flattery is obvious and unconvincing,   
and your offer doesn't intrigue me in the least. You'll need to take some   
lessons in the art of persuasion." He paused. "I offer a seminar at very   
reasonable rates."  
  
"So my offer isn't intriguing, eh? Well, maybe this will get your attention."   
With that, Autolycus opened the mouth of the sack--not wide enough for Salem to   
escape, but sufficient for Salmoneus to peer inside.  
  
"It's a cat," the merchant said bluntly.  
  
"Not just any ordinary cat," the King of Thieves remarked. "All right, Salem,   
show him what makes you special!"  
  
For a moment, Salem considered keeping silent and embarrassing his captor. He   
remembered the old joke about the man showing off his "talking dog" ("What's on   
top of the house?" "Roof!" "Who's the greatest ballplayer?" "Ruth!") and   
grinned. Then he thought better of it. I'd be better off with Salmoneus anyway,   
he thought, so I'd better make him want me.  
  
"You want I shoulda said DiMaggio?" Salem cracked.  
  
"What-what was that?" Salmoneus gasped in surprise.  
  
"An in-joke," Salem explained.  
  
Regaining his composure, Salmoneus examined Salem more closely as Autolycus took   
up the pitch. "Yes, it's a talking cat. A remarkable, unique discovery...and one   
I'm sure you'll find lots of uses for."  
  
"Yes," Salmoneus replied. "But how do I know it's real?" He reached inside the   
bag and tugged on Salem's whiskers.  
  
"Hey! Watch it, bub!" Salem swatted Salmoneus' hand, but kept his claws   
retracted. Wouldn't do to scratch his potential meal ticket...  
  
"That's a real cat, all right," the schemer supreme observed. "But how can I be   
sure it really talks? I've seen magicians who can make all sorts of creatures   
speak...animals, dolls, even one fellow who has a voice emerging from his hand. I   
think they're called..." he paused, searching for the word, "ventriloquists."  
  
"It's not my doing, I can assure you," the King of Thieves answered.  
  
"Let me just make certain," Salmoneus suggested. "These ventriloquists had to be   
within a certain range for their magic to work. Stand away from the cat--"  
  
"My name is Salem," interrupted the peeved pet.  
  
"Stand away from...Salem," Salmoneus continued. "Let me see if he still talks when   
you're not holding him."  
  
Autolycus placed the bag on the ground and backed off a few feet.  
  
"I assure you," Salem said, "I am no dummy. I don't let anyone put words in my   
mouth."  
  
"Satisfied?" Autolycus asked.  
  
"I'm still not convinced. I once saw one of these ventriloquists make a doll   
speak from across the room. And he was drinking a flagon of water at the same   
time."  
  
"Okay, okay," Autolycus griped. He strode across the marketplace, passing   
several empty stalls. Eventually, he turned and shouted "Is this far enough?"  
  
"Perfect," Salmoneus replied. With that, he snatched up Salem's bag and dashed   
towards a horse that was tied nearby.  
  
Autolycus came running, swiftly gaining as Salmoneus struggled to unhitch the   
horse and mount it without losing his grip on the precious bag. Just as   
Autolycus caught up, Salmoneus spurred the horse on, galloping off to a narrow   
escape.  
  
"Well," Salem purred, "I, for one, saw that trick coming a mile away."  
  
* * *  
  
"So you say we'll be riding something called a school bus," Gabrielle said as   
she munched on her breakfast of buttered nutbread toast. The least I can do for   
her, Sabrina had thought when she zapped it up.  
  
"That's right," Sabrina answered. "There's nothing to be afraid of. I ride one   
every day. And Zee--"  
  
"You don't have to call me that here," Xena interjected over her oatmeal.  
  
"Just doing it so I don't forget. I understand if you're a bit uptight about   
riding something other than Argo--" she glanced over at the tiny horse, eating   
food out of Salem's bowl-- "but you'll do fine on the bus."  
  
"I'm certain I will," Xena said, then hummed a chorus of "Maria."  
  
"There she goes again," Gabrielle said, shaking her head.  
  
"Just be thankful she's not into heavy metal," Sabrina said with a grin.  
  
"You mean like, uh, lead? Bronze? Copper?" the bard replied.  
  
They left the house and walked to the corner to catch the school bus. Two other   
students were also waiting--a small brunette freshman Sabrina knew little about   
and Gordie, a good student and science whiz whom the "cool" kids considered   
somewhat geeky. Sabrina had befriended him and was also a member of the Science   
Club.  
  
"Hey, Gord, meet my new friends Zee and Gabby," Sabrina said, smiling. "They'll   
be staying with me. Exchange students from Greece."  
  
"Pleased to meet you two," he replied, shaking the two visitors' right hands.   
"You're more than welcome to join the Science Club."  
  
"We'll consider it," Xena said. "It's important to know the flight of a chakram   
at a slightly rising angle--especially considering the hardness of the rock it   
comes into contact with."  
  
"Something I always think about," Sabrina said nervously.  
  
"Sounds good, Gord," Gabrielle replied, "but truth be told, I'm more of a   
writer."  
  
Sabrina saw the school bus round the corner a block away and come toward them.   
"We can resume the chit-chat on the bus, guys," she said.  
  
They climbed aboard, the freshman first, then Gordie, then Sabrina, Gabrielle   
and finally Xena, who looked both ways before boarding.  
  
"Young lady, I'm a perfectly reputable driver," the middle-aged woman said.   
"Please take your seat." Sabrina nodded in agreement.  
  
Listening rather than talking for the most part--except when they were putting   
their faces to the windows--Xena and Gabrielle had a rather uneventful bus ride.   
Which was just the way Sabrina wanted it.  
  
Finally, the large red-brick building of Westbridge High School drew nearer. "A   
temple to education, I see," Gabrielle told Sabrina. Yep, she silently agreed.   
And Willard Kraft is our Ares.  
  
The students left the bus, and Sabrina told her two ancient friends to stay with   
her.  
  
"That we will," Xena said confidently.  
  
"Same here," Gabrielle echoed.  
  
"I am relieved," Sabrina said. In her book bag, she had conjured up   
forms--"signed" by school officials--that showed these newcomers had already   
enrolled.  
  
"What are we waiting for, then?" Gabrielle said. "Let's go inside."  
  
With that, Sabrina, Xena and Gabrielle walked through the doors and into school.  
  
DISCLAIMER: Neither the art of family harmony nor puns involving baseball   
players' names were harmed during the making of this chapter, although Sabrina   
briefly considered marketing her nutbread toast recipe.   
  
  
  
Chapter Five  
  
  
The statuesque brunette laced up her leather boots, smoothed out her armor and   
stared into the mirror. "I'm ready," she said to herself.  
  
She had vowed she would never do this again, that she would leave the work to   
others. But only she could fulfill this task, so she had reluctantly agreed. A   
servant girl opened the door and gently entered the room.  
  
"You look magnificent!" she told the brunette.  
  
"Do I?" Meg replied in her typical street-smart manner. Any resemblance to Xena   
ended the second she opened her mouth, but how many people had ever heard Xena   
speak? Certainly not the merchant in Corinth who had desired Meg's services.  
  
"Yes, ma'am."  
  
"Very good. Can you hold down the place and watch the girls and their customers   
while I'm gone?"  
  
"Why, yes," the servant humbly replied.  
  
"Okay, then. I'm gone." Meg hadn't worn this outfit in a while, but fortunately   
for her it still fit. Just hope Xena has gone off to Gaul or someplace like   
that, she thought. Actually, dressing up like Xena had its advantages; she   
looked so strikingly intimidating that no one on the way would dare attack her.  
  
Meg strolled downstairs, adjusting her shoulders to make the outfit a bit more   
comfortable. At the base, she found a short man arguing with one of her girls.   
"You paid me 10 dinars. We had agreed on 15!" she said.  
  
"I'm paying for services rendered," he angrily replied.  
  
"Would you like to be rendered?" said Meg, who was significantly larger than he   
was. She picked him up by his neck, walked a few steps to the door, and tossed   
him out about 10 feet...roughly 50 yards from where Hilda and Xelda were   
walking, searching for Salem.  
  
"Did you see that?" Hilda said.  
  
"I think so," her sister replied.  
  
"And stay out!" Meg told the man, who quickly ran away in fright.  
  
"I think that was...her," Xelda said.  
  
"Who else could it be?"  
  
Meg, who was waiting for an Argo lookalike to be delivered from the stable,   
looked back at the girl. "Don't take stuff from anyone--okay?" She nodded.  
  
The horse arrived seconds later, and Meg mounted the mare.  
  
"Why don't we get Xena's help?" Hilda said. "Though I don't know if she'll want   
to, the way you're dressed."  
  
"We can pretend we're coming home from a costume party," Xelda replied,   
"assuming they had such things in this era. If not, we invent them--like we did   
darts."  
  
The two slowly walked toward Meg, and they caught her eye. Xena as a   
blonde--what a twist, she thought. Not certain I like the competition, but it   
does have possibilities, though the other girl is too tall to be a Gabrielle.   
Perhaps she could be a Callisto for those with a sense for the perverse...  
  
"Let me go first," Hilda told her sister. "I may appear less threatening." She   
yelled toward the woman on horseback. "Hey, Xena!"  
  
I'll play along for now, she said to herself. "Yeah, whaddya need?"  
  
"That doesn't sound like Xena from the few glimpses I've caught of the show,"   
Xelda said to her sister.  
  
"Well, Lucy Lawless is from New Zealand, so she probably sounds a bit different   
off-screen."  
  
"But we're not off-screen, so to speak."  
  
"Maybe she's originally from America and moved to New Zealand," Hilda said.   
  
"Just like Mel Gibson moved to Australia from the U.S."  
  
"Mel Gibson," Xelda said, and both sisters dreamily sighed.  
  
Meg, playing Xena, was impatient. "Whaddya want? We warriors don't have all day,   
you know."  
  
"We're sisters trying to find our cat," Hilda said. "Can you help us track him   
down?"  
  
"That's it? That's all?" Meg said in bemusement. "No warlords terrorizing your   
village or anything like that?"  
  
"Sorry," a chagrined Xelda replied.  
  
"By the way, hon, nice outfit. What does kitty look like?"  
  
"He's black," Hilda replied, "and is named Salem. And should we tell her, sis?"  
  
"Tell me what?" Meg interjected.  
  
Xelda picked up the slack. "He...talks."  
  
A talking cat? These two are a little crazy, Meg thought to herself. Probably   
part of their charm. They might have some value for me down the road. So let's   
keep up the facade. "Tell ya what. If I find your kitty cat, I'll tell him to   
return to the two of you."  
  
Hilda smiled. "We knew we could count on you."  
  
"Ya know, I bet you two could really be of service to me."  
  
Xelda beamed. Was she offering them a position in her Amazon army? Had word of   
her triumphant battle in the tavern traveled so quickly? "Has my reputation   
preceded me?" she asked.  
  
"Reputation?" Meg replied. "Nah, I can just tell by looking at ya you'd fit in   
in my outfit."  
  
"Well," Xelda considered, "as long as you're working for good."  
  
Meg smiled. "We're workin', all right."  
  
Hilda shook her head in amazement. Am I suddenly the only sensible one here?   
That's a switch. "Xelda, right now that's not what we're here for."   
  
"My sister Hilda is right. Xena, I regretfully decline."  
  
"The offer remains on the table," Meg said. "Believe me, we could use you." With   
that, she turned her steed toward Corinth. Those two would be popular, she   
thought. Men go ga-ga for blondes.  
  
* * *  
  
"...Shall be lifted...nevermore!" The black cat issued a sinister chuckle followed   
by a mournful howl. "Anyway," Salem continued affably, "that's just a little   
something I composed myself. Of course, I use the word 'composed' instead of   
'wrote,' because, well..." He held up his paw to demonstrate his lack of thumbs.   
Silently, he thought back to those days when Edgar Allan Poe would use him as a   
sounding board for his latest works. Luckily, some of it sank in...  
  
"Amazing!" Salmoneus exclaimed. "Not only do you talk, but you've got a   
remarkable way with words, not to mention an impressive dramatic delivery.   
There's got to be some way we can turn those gifts into a source of revenue...but   
how?"  
  
Both merchant and cat sat silently for a moment, then simultaneously blurted   
"I've got it!"  
  
* * *  
  
"Mrs. Wootton, I'd like you to meet our two newest exchange students, Xee and   
Gabrielle," Sabrina told her homeroom teacher. "They're from Greece. Here are   
their papers."  
  
Not taking any chances, Sabrina made sure the papers she'd zapped up had her two   
companions enrolled in all her classes, so she could keep an eye on them.   
History first period, then phys ed, followed by science, then lunch...  
  
"Pleased to meet the two of you," the teacher said. "I think you will enjoy   
Westbridge High School. Sorry we can't have you sit anywhere now, but I'll call   
maintenance and each of you will have desks available tomorrow morning."  
  
"Thank you so much," Gabrielle replied.  
  
"Just relax," Sabrina said. "We'll be leaving for our first class in a few   
minutes."  
  
"Fine, then," Xena answered, smiling at some of her new classmates.  
  
Just then, Willard Kraft strolled into the room, handing a sheet to Mrs.   
Wootton. "Belinda, here's a copy of that questionnaire from the district, and   
don't forget to appear at the school board meeting tomorrow night to lobby for   
more funding for the yearbook." The vice principal turned and saw two unfamiliar   
students. "And who, may I ask, are you?"  
  
"Uh, they're exchange students from Greece," Sabrina quickly replied. "Staying   
at our house."  
  
"Why doesn't Zelda tell me about these things?" Willard said with a sigh.  
  
"She and Aunt Hilda have been...called away for a while on assignment." Was   
there a better way to dance around their absence?  
  
"Well, when Zu-Zu gets back, let's all get together for some gyros with your   
Greek buddies."  
  
Sabrina cringed. It was bad enough when he called Aunt Zelda Zu-Zu at home, but   
here? "Whatever you say, Mr. Kraft. It should be fun."  
  
"Enjoy your stay here in school and work hard," Kraft told the exchange   
students. "You can learn a lot from us, and we can learn a lot from you."  
  
"Strange fellow, isn't he?" Gabrielle said as the vice principal left the room.  
  
"An understatement, to be sure," Sabrina replied as the bell rang. "It's off to   
history class, guys. Follow me."  
  
* * *  
  
The sisters had reached a fork in the road.  
  
"Hilda, I think it would make more sense if we split up while searching for   
Salem," Xelda said, pointing to her left. "You go that way, I'll go this way and   
meet you back here in about an hour."  
  
"I don't have a watch," Hilda protested.  
  
Xelda pointed at her sister's pocket. "You do now. Well, it's not really a   
watch."  
  
Hilda reached into her pocket and tugged at a chain. "What am I, sis, a railroad   
conductor?"  
  
"Pull out the whole thing."  
  
Hilda complied and displayed a miniature sundial. "I'm impressed," she said with   
a smile.  
  
"Knew you would be, Hildy. See you later."  
  
* * *  
  
"Gather round, people, gather round," Salmoneus urged to the throng of passersby   
before his hastily-set-up stage. On the table before him was a small object   
hidden by a dark cloth. "Prepare to be amazed, mystified and edified. I present   
to you, all the way from the faraway land of Egypt, the wondrous Oracle of the   
Nile!"  
  
Salmoneus removed the cloth to reveal an ordinary-looking black cat.  
  
Okay, Salem thought as his audience began to chuckle. Showmanship is the key   
here. Give them a moment to think it's all a joke...then really wow 'em!  
  
Salem rose onto his hind legs and spread his forepaws wide in a grand, sweeping   
gesture. "Incense and peppermints!" he intoned dramatically. "The color of   
time!" He almost forgot himself and completed the verse, but caught himself in   
time. "Dead kings" was not a phrase to be tossed about lightly in this world.   
Fortunately, he had many more cryptic lyrics to fall back on. "What you think,   
what you feel, what you know to be real. A mulatto...an albino...a mosquito...my   
libido. And so it was that later, as the mirror told its tale, that her face, at   
first just ghostly, turned a whiter shade of pale."  
  
The audience issued a collective gasp of astonishment, not to mention   
puzzlement.  
  
"The Oracle will answer your questions," Salmoneus explained, "for a reasonable   
fee, of course. Five dinars per answer."  
  
As supplicants approached, Salmoneus urged "One at a time, please!" Collecting   
his fee from the first customer, he said, "Thank you very much, sir. And your   
question?"  
  
"My brother left the family trade and went off to live as a hermit," the man   
explained. "Why would he do that?"  
  
Salem cleared his throat as he considered an appropriate answer. Fortunately,   
one came to mind almost immediately. "In the desert," he recited, "you can   
remember your name, for there ain't no one for to give you no pain."  
  
"So," the man pondered, "he's gone off by himself to be his own man? Yeah, that   
makes sense. I understand now. Thank you!"  
  
"Glad to be of service," Salmoneus cheerfully replied. "Next!"  
  
A young woman paid her fee as she asked "What is the nature of love?"  
  
Ah, Salem thought, from the specific to the universal. Luckily, there was no   
shortage of songs to answer this question, though many were contradictory. "Love   
hurts," Salem declared. "Love scars...love wounds and mars any heart not tough,   
not strong enough to take a lot of pain...take a lot of pain. Love is like a   
cloud, holds a lot of rain." He remembered Nazareth's hit version from the   
1970s, although Xelly had been singing the Everlys' original ad nauseum at home   
of late.  
  
"Gods," someone in the audience remarked, "that's the most bitter oracle I've   
ever heard."  
  
"Hey!" Salem hissed at the heckler, "I've looked at love from both sides now!   
From win and lose...and still, somehow, it's love's illusions I recall."  
  
Salmoneus pushed through the audience and found the man who'd made the comment.   
"Five dinars, please."  
  
"What? I didn't ask a question!"  
  
"I didn't say five dinars per question...I said five dinars per answer, and you   
got one. Wouldn't want to cheat the Oracle, would we?"  
  
* * *  
  
Ares came down from Mount Olympus, searching for Xena in hopes he could finally   
persuade her to return to his side. Now there was a warrior, he thought. Why   
waste your skills on such namby-pamby stuff as doing good?  
  
He transported himself to a temple, then walked outside...just as Joxer was   
passing by, keeping an eye out for Salem. "So if it isn't Mr. Mighty himself,"   
he said derisively.  
  
In the past, Joxer might have quaked in his boots over seeing the god of war. He   
wasn't doing it here, for some reason he couldn't quite fathom. Instead, he felt   
confident. Not foolhardy, but definitely sure of himself.  
  
"Very nice, Ares," Joxer replied with a laugh. "What's eating you?"  
  
Ares walked up to him, looked down at the scrawny warrior, and simply asked,   
"I'd like to know where Xena is--not that you would tell me." He flashed an   
intimidating glare. "Then again, you might."  
  
"I honestly don't know. Haven't seen her in a couple of days."  
  
Ares scowled. "Well, perhaps if I take you hostage, she might come to your   
aid..." With that, he grabbed Joxer by his armor and lifted him so they were   
eye-to-eye, expecting to see a sniveling, scared look on the ersatz warrior's   
face. It was always good for a perverse laugh.  
  
That's not what happened this time, though. Rather than show fear, Joxer smugly   
smiled at his enemy--and unbelievably flipped him over, despite having no   
leverage to work with!  
  
Ares, momentarily confused over what had happened, quickly regained his   
composure as he got up and opened his hand, firing a burst of electrical energy   
toward Joxer. However, not only did the once-bumbling warrior dodge the bolt,   
but he whirled over toward the god of war and sent him back down with a mighty   
kick.  
  
You've gotta be kidding me, he thought to himself. This is Joxer, poster boy for   
ineptitude? What's gotten into him? I bet Aphrodite is fooling around with those   
bells again. Wait till I get back to Olympus and set her straight!  
  
"Ares, I'm in no mood to play your mind games," Joxer said emphatically. "Bother   
me some other time."  
  
The god of war grudgingly complied and vanished from the scene. If word of this   
gets back to Olympus, I'm a laughingstock, he thought.  
  
Meanwhile, Joxer went on his way, strong and secure. Hilda is going to be so   
proud of me, he thought with a smile.  
  
* * *  
  
History class should be fun, albeit confusing, for Xena and Gabrielle, Sabrina   
thought to herself as she walked into Mr. Lawton's classroom. Her two friends   
followed closely behind; on the way to class, they had stopped in the girls'   
room, where Sabrina--making sure the coast was clear--zapped up their history   
books.  
  
Sabrina made certain Xena and Gabrielle sat near her, accomplishing the feat by   
magically making the seats in question either too hot or too cold for their   
regular occupants.  
  
Once the bell rang to signal the start of the period, Mr. Lawton addressed the   
class. "I've been informed by Sabrina Spellman that we have two newcomers here,   
from Greece, Zee--" Xena waved to her new classmates "--and Gabrielle," who did   
likewise. He smiled. "I hate to disappoint both of you, but we covered Greece   
last week. Today, we continue our discussion of Rome."  
  
"Nobody's perfect," Xena said without maliciousness, but the remark drew a few   
titters from her fellow students.  
  
"We are presently at the height of the Roman Empire, under the stellar   
leadership of Caesar."  
  
That comment immediately drew Gabrielle's ire. "Excuse me, sir, but I know   
Caesar," she said, "and--"  
  
"She means, 'I know of Caesar,'" Sabrina quickly explained. "A little hangup   
with English sentence structure, that's all."  
  
"I don't care if you know Imogene Coca," Mr. Lawton replied to Gabrielle.  
  
"He is--er, I mean was--a person who was only interested in empire, not about   
people," Gabrielle retorted.  
  
"If you want revisionist history, check out 'The Great Soviet Encyclopedia,' if   
you can find it," the teacher said. "I admire the strength of your convictions,   
but that's not the philosophy of this district."  
  
Sabrina shrugged her shoulders at Gabrielle, who took the hint. The rest of the   
period proceeded without incident.  
  
* * *  
  
"You may find yourself living in a small thatch hut," Salem chanted while making   
rhythmic chopping motions with one paw over the other foreleg, in as good a   
David Byrne imitation as felinely possible. "You may find yourself behind the   
reins of a large chariot." Okay, so some lyrics have to be reworked for this   
audience, he mused. "You may say to yourself, 'Well, how did I get here?'   
Letting the days go by...letting the water hold you down..."  
  
"What does that mean?" somebody asked...then immediately slapped his forehead upon   
realizing he'd asked a question. Reluctantly, he dug out five dinars as   
Salmoneus approached.  
  
"I close my eyes..." Salem did so in demonstration. "Only for a moment..." Suddenly   
he snapped his eyes open and blurted, "And the moment's gone! Dust in the   
wind...all we are is dust in the wind."  
  
"So...you're saying time is fleeting, and we should use it to the fullest while we   
can?"  
  
"Sing for today!" Salem exulted. "Sing for the moment! Sing for the time of your   
life!"  
  
A murmur of awe and appreciation spread through the audience.  
  
"I've got a question for the Oracle," a feminine voice piped up.  
  
"Certainly, miss," Salmoneus grinned, "only five dinars..."  
  
The crowd parted around the imposing blonde figure that strode forward. "My   
question is," Callisto continued, "what's going to happen if anyone tries to   
stop me from taking your little talking kittycat?"  
  
Salem trembled, but amazingly did not break character. "She'll carelessly cut   
you and laugh while you're bleeding," he whimpered.  
  
"My, you really can tell the future!" Callisto giggled as she marched past the   
cowering Salmoneus and snatched Salem up by the scruff of the neck.  
  
* * *  
  
"Salem! Salem!" Hilda kept calling, without success. With my luck, he's probably   
found the ambrosia, consumed it, and left me as a mollusk for the next   
millennium once the Witches' Council gets wind of the news. Then she smiled. As   
long as Drell runs the Witches' Council and still has that little spark of   
romance left for me, maybe I'll only have to be a big dog or something.  
  
Quickly abandoning such defeatist thinking, she decided that if she was going to   
catch a cat, she may as well think like one. So Hilda changed herself into a   
wildcat, albeit one that was dressed an awful lot like Gabrielle, and employed   
her now-enhanced feline sense of smell to begin searching for Salem as she raced   
through the woods...  
  
* * *  
  
Xelda headed for the hills in hopes of finding Salem. She kept yelling his name,   
to no avail. But someone else heard her calls...  
  
"Joxer--there you are!" she said with a smile, waving at the warrior riding a   
horse in the distance.  
  
But it wasn't Joxer at all. Unbeknownst to Xelda, his twin brother, the evil,   
bloodthirsty Jett, had been making his way through the countryside. He quickly   
deduced that his brother knew this lovely wench who dressed like Xena. Perhaps   
he should get to know her too--as Joxer, of course...  
  
"Come on," Xelda continued. "We've got to get to that ambrosia before Salem   
does."  
  
Ambrosia? Jett thought. Well, that settled it. He knew it would be all but   
impossible to take the godly substance from its place of concealment--but it was   
a prize worth the risks. Particularly if those risks were actually taken by   
someone else, like this woman or that Salem person she mentioned.  
  
"Right!" Jett answered. "Lead on!"  
  
"Lead on?" Xelda asked in puzzlement. "You're the one that knows the way!"  
  
"Oh, right," Jett responded, getting in character with a perfect imitation of   
his brother's guffaw. Luckily, he had heard about the fabled cave's location, so   
they'd be there soon enough. "Did I say 'Lead on?' Why would I say 'Lead on'   
when I'm the one who's leading? Follow me, that's what I meant to say. Follow   
me."  
  
Hmm, Xelda thought, that spell may have made him into a real warrior...but it   
doesn't seem to have had any effect on his overall goofiness.  
  
* * *  
  
Tara Hastings watched the girls come in for second-period gym class. To be   
honest, she was getting tired of Westbridge High, particularly after five   
beleaguered years as its girls' basketball coach. The Lady Scallions had yet to   
post a winning season under her guidance, and the administration, led by Willard   
Kraft, was beginning to put pressure on her. "We have no talent in this   
district!" she kept telling him, though he didn't seem to get it.  
  
There were two girls in her class that she didn't recognize. Both were chatting   
with Sabrina Spellman.  
  
"Look at this!" Gabrielle said, glancing at her green and white gym outfit.   
"We're all dressed like this--like prisoners."  
  
Sabrina chuckled. At times, gym class did feel like prison, she thought,   
although Coach Hastings did what she could to make things interesting.  
  
"Oh, it's not that bad," Xena said. "Haven't really had a chance for exercise   
since we got here."  
  
"Miss Spellman," Coach Hastings asked, "who are these young women you're talking   
with?"  
  
"Transfer students from Greece," Sabrina replied. "Meet Zee and Gabrielle."  
  
The coach sized up the brunette. Nearly six feet, she thought. She has got to   
play basketball.  
  
"Ever played basketball, Zee?"  
  
"I'm afraid not," Xena replied.  
  
"She's from the mountains of Greece," Sabrina interjected. "A very rural area.   
They don't even have television."  
  
"But I can learn," Xena said.  
  
"Me, too," Gabrielle added.  
  
"Okay," the coach said. The little blonde might make a good point guard, unless   
she's as uncoordinated as Spellman... She picked up a stray basketball and began   
to dribble it. "Basketball's a pretty easy sport to learn. The object of the   
game is to put this ball in the hoop," and pointed to the basket about 40 feet   
away.  
  
Xena took the ball from the coach. "You mean, like this?" she said, heaving the   
ball toward the hoop for a perfect swish.  
  
The coach smiled. "Yeah, like that." Maybe she has some talent. "But you also   
can score from closer in, as long as you don't run with the ball." She dribbled   
downcourt and made a layup off the glass, showing some of the skills that made   
her a Division I player some 10 years before, then passed it back to Xena.  
  
"I can do that, and more," Xena said. She dribbled downcourt, then at the foul   
line performed a somersault toward the basket. There, she coolly dunked the ball   
in the hoop.  
  
"Not bad," Gabrielle said with a grin. Sabrina and her classmates stood with   
open mouths. Coach Hastings nearly fainted, but Sabrina subtly pointed and kept   
her from collapsing. "I've never seen anything like that!" the coach exclaimed.   
"You are an incredible athlete."  
  
"I have many skills," Xena calmly replied.  
  
Class continued, and in the pickup basketball game Xena dominated. She hit a   
series of three-pointers, pulled down several rebounds, blocked a number of   
shots and made five dunks.  
  
As Sabrina played, vainly trying to keep up, she thought she heard the coach say   
to herself from the sidelines, "Package deal...package deal...Get me out of this   
place..."  
  
That'll have to wait till next year, Sabrina thought, since it's spring and no   
longer basketball season. Of course, if things went right Xena won't be here   
tomorrow. Sorry to disappoint you, coach...  
  
* * *  
  
Hilda was having little success tracking Salem. As she sniffed around in her   
wildcat form, she mused to herself, Maybe it would help if I'd ever paid   
attention to what he smells like...but who knew I'd need to know that one day?  
  
As she stalked her prey, her cat ears perked up towards a distant, approaching   
sound. It sounded like...singing?  
  
"Joxer the Mighty, master of magnificence, fights with such intelligence..."  
  
Yes, it was singing, all right...and Hilda was surprised by how much she liked the   
catchy little tune.  
  
"...With Hilda and her magic tricks, stronger still than Gabby's stick..."  
  
Well, that settled it. Hilda really liked this song!  
  
She considered surprising Joxer by waiting until he arrived to resume her human   
form, then decided against it. He may be made of sterner stuff now than he was   
when Salem's speaking made him faint...but a full transformation would be hard to   
take for anyone.  
  
She pointed at herself with one claw, and with a swirl of light returned to her   
usual (for this world) appearance.  
  
"Hi, Joxer!" she exclaimed as he came into view. "I didn't expect to run into   
you again so soon."  
  
"Well," Joxer chuckled, "I did get a little sidetracked. I'm on my way to the   
ambrosia cave right now. Hopefully, I still just might be able to reach it   
before Salem does."  
  
"That does sound like the most likely place he'd be going," Hilda replied. "I   
certainly haven't had any luck finding him."  
  
"Say!" Joxer's face lit up. "Since I'm going there, and since he's probably   
going there...why don't you come along with me?"  
  
"I thought you'd never ask," Hilda giggled.  
  
* * *  
  
With class ended, it was on to third period for Sabrina and companions. Around   
the corner from the gym, towards the academic wing, they were seen by a brunette   
in a green and white cheerleading outfit and two of her cohorts.  
  
"Oh, boy," Sabrina mumbled. "Libby Chessler. Just who I needed to see."  
  
"Who is this?" Xena inquired. "You're evidently not happy to see her."  
  
"Let's put it this way--she is to me what Callisto is to you."  
  
"She killed your husband on your wedding night?" Gabrielle said with a sigh. "My   
sympathies."  
  
"Noooo!" Sabrina said with a chuckle. Libby's a lot of awful things, she   
thought, but not that. "The analogy isn't perfect, but you get the general   
idea."  
  
Libby walked up to Sabrina and pals. "So it's the freak and the Greeks," she   
said with an irritating smile. "Word gets around quickly."  
  
Xena scowled, obviously understanding Sabrina's enmity for the cheerleader. And   
being a woman of action, she took some. She instantaneously placed her hand on   
Libby's throat...and delivered the pinch.  
  
"I've just cut off the flow of blood to your brain," Xena told a powerless,   
immobile Libby. "You'll be dead in 30 seconds."  
  
Sabrina was incredulous, and quickly froze Libby and every mortal in the school   
except Xena and Gabrielle. "What are you doing?" she screamed.  
  
"Protecting you," Xena said.  
  
"This woman is obviously your enemy," Gabrielle added.  
  
"I may not like Libby, but that doesn't mean I want to kill her!" Sabrina   
retorted. "You either release her, or I'll do something to you." Precisely what,   
she wasn't sure.  
  
Xena relented. "Oh, all right," she said, releasing Libby from the pinch, "but   
don't say I wasn't trying to protect you."  
  
Sabrina unfroze the school, but hadn't noticed who had been at the other end of   
the hallway when the incident occurred. She found out a few seconds later when   
Willard Kraft walked up to her.  
  
"Miss Spellman, I saw what happened with you and your new friends," he said,   
then turned to Xena and Gabrielle. "I do not claim expertise on the quality of   
discipline administered in Grecian schools, but I can certainly tell you that   
attempting to assault a cheerleader is not accepted behavior on this side of the   
Atlantic." Particularly one with her family's money and influence, he thought.  
  
"I apologize," said Gabrielle, trying to play diplomat.  
  
"I'm afraid it's too late for that, young lady. I'd like all three of you to   
come to my office. Now."  
  
DISCLAIMER: No trampy Xena lookalikes, witches-turned-wildcats or gym teachers   
were harmed in the making of this chapter. The music of the Strawberry Alarm   
Clock, Cheryl Lynn, Nirvana, Procol Harum, America, songwriters Boudleaux and   
Felice Bryant, Joni Mitchell, David Byrne, Kansas, Styx and Billy Joel (whew!)   
also survived this chapter, despite Salem doing to them what Xena did to Libby.  
  
  
  
Chapter Six  
  
  
"I still can't believe that the two of you would get into a scuffle on   
your first day in an American school!" Willard Kraft said, shaking his head.   
"Being an exchange student is an honor."  
  
Yeah, right, Sabrina thought as she walked alongside her two companions,   
a step ahead of the vice principal. But she couldn't help but reflect on the   
absurd irony of it all--Xena, the warrior princess, scourge of warlords, heading   
off to detention.   
  
Finally, they reached his office and marched in. "Now I want the three   
of you to sit down for a few minutes while I attend to another matter," he said.   
"Don't try anything--the door is open and the receptionist is out here. Right,   
Marianne?"   
  
"That's right, sir," a fiftyish woman replied.  
  
"Excuse me, please," Willard said, heading down the hall carrying a bag.   
  
Xena sat down and crossed her legs gingerly. Then she began to slowly   
hike her dress above her knee. Sitting next to her, Sabrina initially thought   
her friend was scratching. Then, the oldies radio station playing in Mr. Kraft's   
office played the plaintive opening vocal of Gary Puckett:   
  
"Young girl--get out of my mind...My love for you is way outta   
line...Better run, girl...You're much too young, girl..."   
  
So that's what Xena is up to, Sabrina thought, planning to use her   
feminine wiles on Mr. Kraft! Her suspicions were confirmed by the look in Xena's   
eyes; they were rehearsing seduction--that was seemingly pretty obvious to   
Gabrielle, too. As much as Sabrina loathed Willard Kraft, she realized nothing   
good at all could come out of this. Perhaps Xena's techniques could work on a   
warlord, but in this world, where she was perceived as a teenager, she would   
only bring Mr. Kraft into the depths of scandal. Aunt Zelda, who inexplicably   
adored Willard, would be furious--with both him and Sabrina.   
  
What to do? Sabrina wondered. Then she had an idea. She subtly pointed   
at the hem of Xena's dress, and it began to lengthen...suddenly it was two or   
three inches below the knee. Xena stared at what had happened, turned around and   
looked quizzically at the young witch. Sabrina responded with a "don't you dare"   
glance.   
  
"I think you've forgotten about that perception spell," Gabrielle   
whispered to her friend.  
  
Sabrina breathed a sigh of relief that one of them, at least, understood   
the situation.  
  
"Remember, he sees you as a teenager," Sabrina picked up the   
explanation. "So, what you were going to try...not a good thing. Besides, it   
wouldn't have worked anyway-his name's Willard, not Humbert."  
  
"Humbert?" Xena asked in puzzlement.  
  
"The old man in that book by Nabokov," Sabrina explained, involuntarily   
lapsing into her best Sting impression.  
  
By this time, Mr. Kraft had returned to the office. He was no longer in   
shirt and tie, but instead was wearing grey pants and a sweatshirt with   
"WESTBRIDGE TRACK" emblazoned in green. "With Mrs. Castle on maternity leave, as   
you know I'm coaching the girls' track and field team on an interim basis," the   
vice principal explained. "Have a meet here this afternoon, and we have to plan   
to it. But first, there's this little matter of detention."   
  
"I'm ready to take my medicine," Sabrina said. "So are my companions,   
I'm sure." Xena and Gabrielle nodded.   
  
"Very good, then. Your assignment today is--"   
  
But before Willard could reveal the punishment, a woman walked into his   
office. It was Tara Hastings. "Oh, I see you've met Zee," she said with   
enthusiasm. "What are they doing here?"   
  
"I was just about to give them--"   
  
"Will you see me in private for a minute?" Coach Hastings, looking   
admiringly at Xena, said to Mr. Kraft. "This is important. Meet me in the   
outside hall."   
  
He complied. "What's going on here?" he whispered when he got there.   
  
"This Zee is the greatest woman athlete I have ever seen, or at least   
the greatest basketball player. She can shoot, rebound, block shots." She   
pleaded. "If you discipline her, she might transfer out of district and the Lady   
Scallions will continue to struggle."   
  
"That good, huh?"   
  
Coach Hastings nodded. "I bet she is as good in track as she is in   
basketball."   
  
Kraft smiled. "We will soon find out. If you're sending me a bill of   
goods, don't expect to be coaching hoops here next season."   
  
They returned to the office.   
  
"Zee," Willard said, "I have been told you have some abilities in track   
and field. I will drop all disciplinary action here against all three of you if   
Zee competes for Westbridge in our track meet today."   
  
A reprieve from the governor, Sabrina thought to herself.   
  
"It's a deal," Xena said.  
  
"Good. Now the three of you, return to your respective classes, and I   
will see you at the track two hours from now, Zee." Kraft reached for the radio   
and changed the station, just as the Partridge Family's "I Think I Love You"   
began.  
  
Sabrina and friends walked down the hall. "Now aren't you glad you   
didn't try to seduce him?" she quietly said to Xena.  
  
"Well, to be honest with you, I don't care that much for men--"  
  
Hmm, Sabrina pondered, I guess there is something to all that subtext   
talk.  
  
"--with mustaches," Xena finished her sentence.  
  
Or maybe not, Sabrina thought. The great debate continues...  
  
* * *  
  
"Here we are," Jett declared, striking a dramatic pose beside the mouth   
of the cave, "the entrance to the resting place of the food of the gods!"  
  
How many prepositions were in that sentence? Xelda thought with   
bemusement.  
  
"Many people have tried to claim the ambrosia," Jett continued, "but all   
have failed!" Try to keep the speech more like Joxer would, he reminded himself.   
"Well, maybe 'all' is a bit of an exaggeration...I mean, you hear rumors. Like, I   
know this innkeeper who has a friend whose brother showed him..."  
  
"I understand the dangers," Xelda said. At least, she hoped she did. She   
wished she'd paid more attention when Salem was watching his program. She   
couldn't remember whether the show was just relatively innocent adventure, or   
whether anyone ever actually got killed in it. Was it TV-PG or TV-14? Even being   
a scientific genius, she could never keep those ratings straight.  
  
"Of course," Jett continued, "no danger is too great for Joxer the   
mighty!" Careful, he reminded himself, just enough bravado to convince her   
you're Joxer...not so much that she'd actually want you to go in. So, he deflated   
his own boast by pounding his chest and going into a coughing fit. He doubled   
over and fell into an ungainly somersault. That should keep me out of the cave,   
he thought.  
  
"Thank you, Joxer," Xelda sighed, "but I think I can handle the   
situation." Odd, she thought, he shouldn't be acting that way. Maybe our spells   
aren't as powerful in this world. Maybe the spell only makes him a true warrior   
when he's actually fighting. In any case, I'd better not chance him hurting   
himself in there. "Between my new athletic prowess and my good old-fashioned   
powers..." She pointed towards her left hand, and a torch instantly materialized   
in it. "...I think I've got it covered."  
  
Jett's mouth gaped. A witch! He remained speechless as Xelda steeled   
herself and entered the cave, and even after she had vanished from his sight.   
Hmm, he pondered as soon as he'd recovered from the initial shock, perhaps she   
can get the ambrosia after all...  
  
* * *  
  
"You know something, Hilda?" Joxer said to his companion as they walked   
ever closer to the cave. "You're special...very special." With that, he slowly   
turned his face towards hers, stared into her eyes and flashed an affectionate   
smile.  
  
Hilda was touched and grinned in return. Amazing, she thought, simply   
amazing.  
  
The two sides of her personality began an internal clash, which didn't   
agree with her system. So Hilda zapped them outside, perching them on each   
shoulder, two tiny Hildas visible only to her. The only thing they're missing   
are the angel and devil outfits, she thought.  
  
"After all these years, you've finally found the man of your dreams--and   
he's fictional!" the pessimistic Hilda said. "What kind of future could you have   
with him?"  
  
"Oh, come on," Hilda the optimist retorted. "He's crazy about me, I for   
him, what's not to like? And someday I will be Mrs. Hilda...er..."  
  
"See? They don't even have last names here!"  
  
"Well, he could adopt my last name--Joxer Spellman. Has a nice ring to   
it, and having the groom take the bride's name is well, sort of trendy."  
  
In between her two miniature warring selves, Hilda listened to the   
back-and-forth conversation. It felt like one of those early stereo   
demonstration LPs with the ping-pong from left to right channel and back again.  
  
"Do you really think you could be the wife of a warrior," the pessimist   
asked, "even one as inept as Joxer?"  
  
"You learn to let your heart overrule your head every now and then," the   
optimist answered.  
  
"I think we both remember what happened the last time you did that."  
  
"Yeah, back in the 1800s when I developed a crush on Gen. Tom Thumb at   
Barnum's Museum. If I had any courage back then, I would've married him, but   
no--I just couldn't handle the demands of a relationship with a military man."  
  
The real Hilda nodded regretfully. That won't happen again, she thought   
to herself as she looked to her shoulder, stared at her pessimist self, then   
flicked her off like a bad strain of dandruff. "I did throw the correct one off,   
didn't I?" she softly asked, turning to the other shoulder.  
  
"Yep," the optimist replied. "Now where would you want to have the   
honeymoon?"  
  
Hmmm..., she thought. Someplace in the Other Realm might be nice, like   
Ten Mile Falls, where dad and mom went on their honeymoon back in 1147...  
  
"Hilda," Joxer said, "we're getting closer to the mountain. Hope Salem   
or your sister is there."  
  
* * *  
  
"So, kitty," Callisto smirked as she rode, "you haven't said one word   
since I took you. Are you really an oracle, or was that just another of   
Salmoneus' tricks?"  
  
Loosely tucked in the saddlebag, Salem remained silent, hoping she'd let   
him go.  
  
"If you are an oracle, I know I could find some use for you one way or   
another. Of course, if you're just a regular cat, I don't have any use for you,   
so--hkkkk!" she drew a finger across her throat in the classic gesture.  
  
"Silence is golden," Salem blurted out, "but my eyes still see."  
  
"That's better," Callisto gloated. "So, how about using those powers of   
yours to foresee the outcomes of some battles? If I knew which side was going to   
win--or, more importantly, which side will pay better--it'll help me decide   
where to offer my services."  
  
Uh-oh, Salem thought, I do know what's going to happen in future   
episodes, but if I tell Callisto, I could change everything! Callisto might   
actually win! My only hope is to be even more cryptic and incomprehensible than   
ever. This is a job for...They Might Be Giants!  
  
"So," Callisto continued, "can I get a straight answer out of you, or do   
you only talk in riddles?"  
  
"Oh, do not forsake me," Salem replied, "though you know I must spend   
all my waking hours talking like this, for I am one thousand years old."  
  
"One thousand years old?" Callisto gave an impressed whistle. "Sure, I'd   
say that's old. Anyway, if you're so old and wise and all-knowing, I'm sure you   
know who I am, and what I can do to you."  
  
"Big men often tremble as they step aside," Salem intoned, paraphrasing   
slightly, "You're actual size, but you seem much bigger."  
  
Callisto's nose crinkled as she smiled. "I suppose that's one way of   
putting it. Getting back to those battles...there's a certain general I know who   
wants to launch a campaign against the Turks. Any advice?"  
  
Salem desperately tried to recall where Turkey (was it even called   
Turkey in ancient times?) was in relation to Greece. Did they share a border?   
Was there a sea between them? Another country? Why didn't I pay more attention   
in Mortal Realm Geography 101?, he thought. He tried to call up a mental image   
of a map, to no avail. Suddenly, struck by inspiration, he thought back to his   
favorite episodes of Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego? Ah, there it is!  
  
"Once," Salem proclaimed, "a boy named Mr. Me bemoaned a great regret.   
He floundered in the misty sea, but can't abide its mystery. He wound up sad,   
you bet."  
  
"Hmm," Callisto muttered as she tried to unravel Salem's parable, "a   
land campaign, then." Her nose twitched more noticeably, and she suddenly   
inhaled sharply, her face twisting up as if suppressing a sneeze.  
  
Does that mean what I think it means? Salem wondered. Could the fearsome   
Callisto possibly be allergic to cats? There might just be a way out of this   
after all...  
  
* * *  
  
It was time for lunch, and Sabrina led Xena and Gabrielle into the   
cafeteria. "Hope they have something good today," she said, recalling   
yesterday's entree of pot roast that virtually nobody liked. Fortunately, with   
one discreet zap she was able to make it taste like turkey.  
  
Fortunately, today's entree was more to her liking--a cheeseburger on   
sourdough bread, with creamed spinach as the vegetable. Hope Xena and Gabrielle   
find it acceptable, Sabrina thought.  
  
After they went through the line, Sabrina went to her usual seat, saw   
Valerie in the corner of her eye and waved her over. "Hey, how you folks doing?"   
Val asked as she took a seat.  
  
"Okay, I guess," Sabrina said.  
  
"You guys enjoying school in America?" Val asked, staring at the two   
Greek newcomers.  
  
"I think we're learning something," Xena said calmly.  
  
"She'll be running track this afternoon," Sabrina added, though she   
didn't divulge the circumstances that led to it.  
  
"Great. A sports story." Val sighed. "If we only had a sports editor."  
  
A smile crossed Sabrina's face. Gabrielle's a bard--let's see her write,   
she thought. So she pointed at her companion and chanted under her breath, "She   
is a genius at ancient reports, let's give her knowledge to current-day sports."   
A point, and Gabrielle began talking.  
  
"You looking for a sports editor? I can fill it," she told Valerie.  
  
"But you're from Greece!"  
  
"I think it's no secret that the most important quality of a leadoff man   
is to go deep into the count, thus improving his on-base percentage while   
showing the rest of the team the opposing pitcher's stuff," Gabrielle said   
authoritatively. "Batting average means nothing for a leadoff hitter if he   
doesn't draw plenty of walks. Look how the Yankees acquiring Chuck Knoblauch   
helped Derek Jeter, who was too impatient to bat leadoff. But he's a superb   
number-two hitter, perhaps the best in the game."  
  
Sabrina smiled. "She listens to a lot of shortwave radio."  
  
Xena stared at Gabrielle. They'd experienced some odd things in this new   
land, but nothing was stranger than seeing her friend and companion suddenly   
speak in tongues. It seemed to be the same language they always used, but these   
bizarre words...  
  
"What in Zeus' name are you talking about?" Xena asked. "I didn't   
understand a single word of that."  
  
"But it's not a mutual hobby of theirs," Sabrina explained.  
  
Val nodded. "Gabrielle, the job is yours. Can you cover that track meet   
today?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Very good." Val turned to Sabrina. "Want to go to the mall with me   
after school? Summer's coming up and I need to buy a swimsuit." She giggled.   
"Maybe a two-piece."  
  
"Bikini? No way," Sabrina scoffed. "You'll never catch me in one.   
Maxim-um embarrassment."  
  
  
DISCLAIMER: The music of Gary Puckett & The Union Gap, the Partridge Family, the   
Four Seasons and They Might Be Giants, and the literature of Vladimir Nabokov   
were not harmed in the production of this episode. However, several magazines   
(which shall remain nameless) did suffer some mild humiliation. Please, don't   
thank us; it was the least we could do.  
  
  
  
Chapter Seven  
  
  
Xelda went into the cave, intent on securing the ambrosia or at least keeping it out of Salem's paws. I still can't believe I'm doing this derring-do, she thought to herself.Yet it is strangely liberating, though that poor Joxer may never get over my witch powers. Did you see that look on his face after I created the torch?  
  
Once she was safely out of anyone's sight, she transformed the torch she held into a high-powered flashlight. Would've done it earlier in front of Joxer, she thought, but if modern technology got into ancient hands, who knew what could happen? In some ways, she mused, technology is the new ambrosia..  
  
She thought about what it would be like to take her new, physically confident self back to Westbridge. If Willard liked the "Zelda" Zelda, he'd adore the "Xelda" Zelda, particularly since he likes sports so much. How gallant it was for him to become interim coach of the girls' track team at the high school. She smiled. Ah, Willard...  
  
"Dream...dream, dream, dream..." she began softly singing. "Dream...dream, dream, dream..."  
  
To speed things up, and to avoid stumbling over any rocks, she floated herself a few inches above the ground. That worked well for a few hundred feet, until she confronted a dead end mountain of rock, save for a gap about 18 inches high and two feet wide. She peeked inside and saw there was space on the other side.  
  
I could see where this would discourage potential explorers, Xelda thought, but I don't have to worry about that. She zapped herself to one-sixth scale, floated effortlessly through the gap, and restored herself to full size once she reached the other side. She gazed upward and there, at the top of a peak, she saw a shiny golden crate. That must be it...  
  
She grew back to regular proportions, then floated up to the top of the peak. A zap unlocked the chest's contents...and indeed, there was the ambrosia inside a chalice.  
  
She retrieved the magical substance, which to her felt like one of those squeeze balls you grasp for exercise, then zapped a bag and put it inside. Now to go back and find Hilda, she thought...  
  
* * *  
  
It was back to class for Sabrina and her "exchange" friends, this time in Mrs. Quick's English class. That Mrs. Quick--so versatile, Sabrina thought to herself. She can teach math, science, English, politics. The young witch had considered placing a spell on the Board of Education to boost her salary, but then considered the domino effect it would have on teachers' salaries as a whole. And haven't the aunts already complained about property taxes?  
  
"You won't be expected to know much here," Sabrina told Xena as they walked down the hall. "You too," she said, turning to Gabrielle.  
  
"Too bad," the bard replied. "I was hoping that Eight Men Out, Ball Four or Instant Replay would be part of the curriculum."  
  
Didn't realize that sports spell I cast was going to have a literary twist, Sabrina mused.  
  
About halfway through the class, while Mrs. Quick was reviewing the career of Dorothy Parker, Mr. Kraft entered the room. "Mrs. Quick, I'm here to excuse Zee from class. She will be participating in the track meet this afternoon."  
  
"Oh, really?" the teacher replied as the tall young woman with long dark hair rose from her seat. "What events will she compete in?"  
  
"Ummm..." the vice principal said.  
  
"Several," Xena answered, trying to come to his rescue.  
  
"Great," Mrs. Quick said. "I hope everyone in class will go over to the stadium and watch Xee run track for us after school today."  
  
Sitting a row to the right of Sabrina, Harvey Kinkle raised his hand. "Yes, Harvey?" said a puzzled Mrs. Quick; she hadn't asked a question.  
  
"Excuse me, ma'am, but I have to leave early for my co-op work," he politely said. Harvey was interested in becoming an auto mechanic, and was learning the ropes at a service station on the other side of town.  
  
"I'd nearly forgotten about that," the teacher said. "Sure. We'll see you tomorrow."  
  
Harvey stood up, smiled at Sabrina and left the room. Ironically, his mother was using his car to shop at a maternity store in a Framingham mall, so he would have to walk to the gas station. Sabrina smiled because she knew he would pass her house.  
  
* * *  
  
"And if you kill that man, my friend, the one they call the foe…"  
  
"Now this sounds like my kind of prophecy!" Callisto grinned.  
  
Salem huffed indignantly. How dare she interrupt my Roger Whittaker number? Philistine! Gamely, he continued: "And if you do it often, friend," (under no circumstances would he dare address Callisto by the original lyrics' "lad") "and if you do it right, you'll be a hero overnight, you'll save your country from her plight, if you survive to see the sight of friend now greeting foe…"  
  
"Hero? Save the country?" Callisto smirked. "You must be talking about somebody else. Pity…it started out so nice, then went all soft." She grimaced and sneezed. "Haven't you got any predictions that can help me?"  
  
Still in a Roger Whittaker frame of mind, Salem decided to launch into his virtuoso rendition of "The Last Farewell." "I hear there's a wicked war a-blazin', and the taste of war I know so very well…"  
  
"I like that," she interrupted, "I hope the rest of it's this good."  
  
"Even now," Salem continued, "I see the foreign flag a-raisin', their guns on fire as we sail into hell…"  
  
Callisto chuckled gleefully. In her daydreams of carnage, she had failed to notice Salem crawling out of her saddlebag and towards her lap.  
  
Salem skipped the next mushy verse and returned to the grim imagery, willing his fur to shed as he crept closer to Callisto. "Though death and darkness gather all around me, and my ship be torn apart upon the sea…"  
  
Callisto crinkled her nose.  
  
"I shall smell again the fragrance of these isles…"  
  
Callisto sneezed three times in rapid succession.  
  
"On the beating waves that brought me once to thee!"  
  
Callisto sniffled, attempting to regain her composure. However, by this time Salem had made his way onto her lap. As he swished his tail under her nose, she very nearly went into convulsions.  
  
With Callisto blinded by her allergic fit, Salem decided the time had come for him to make a break for it. He regretted not being able to finish "The Last Farewell," but he did offer a final Whittaker salute as he leapt off of the horse:  
  
"There's no call for me to stay, so I'm leaving…leaving, leaving, leaving, leaving free!"  
  
Between sneezes, Callisto could barely make out the cat's taunting song fading in the distance: "I've gotta leave old Callisto, I've gotta leave old Callisto, and that leavin's got me all aglow!"  
  
Callisto rubbed her watering eyes. As her allergies faded, she pondered her options. She could follow the oracle into the woods and recapture it easily. She could put up with its baffling rhymes. She could tolerate this enchantment it cast on her health. She could take it to the general and sell him the oracle for a tidy sum. Or…she could forget the oracle, ride on to the general and just take that tidy sum from him.  
  
Callisto rode on.  
  
* * *  
  
"We're nearing the mountain," Joxer said, gazing dreamily into Hilda's eyes. "You like me...you really like me!"  
  
"Yep..." Hilda answered, then softly mouthed, "Gidget." No need to be acerbic to him, she reminded herself. "And I'm crazy 'bout you too, Joxie."  
  
"Aww," he said, turning to her with a smile--just before he ran into a tree branch. He got up and shrugged. "Anyway, the entrance to the mountain is only cubits away, I swear."  
  
"I'll take your word for it," Hilda answered, hoping he was right. The durability of footwear in this era was rather minimal...  
  
* * *  
  
Rushing with more speed than he had shown in years of cathood, Salem dashed into woodland, figuring that if Callisto caught him, she would use his fur for purposes he shuddered to consider.  
  
Which way could that ambrosia be?, he thought as he continued to run. What if I've accidentally led her toward the ambrosia she was scheduled to consume a few episodes later? Have I thrown the story arc out of whack? As if it really matters now...  
  
After a few mnutes, Salem slowed down his pace. You should be safely out of harm's way, he thought, turning to the right. That's where the ambrosia must be, in that mountain...  
  
A bit of a walk through the forest, and Salem could see a man sitting on a rock outside an entrance to a cave. His feline vision further showed the man looked an awful lot like Joxer, but there was something strange about him. Something devious.  
  
"That witch never suspected a thing!" he said with a grin. "Once she brings back the ambrosia, I snatch it from her, and before she can cast a spell I consume it and overcome her. Boy, that's sneaky."  
  
"That's not Joxer," Salem said with a gulp. "That's Jett, the bloodthirsty twin! Of course Xelda wouldn't know the difference. She must unknowingly be doing his bidding. I've got to save her--and get that ambrosia for myself as well." He paused. "But how?" He thought for a few seconds, then came up with an idea, stealthily inching through the high grass, closer and closer to the cave entrance...  
  
* * *  
  
Xelda floated down, carefully clutching the magical material, and retraced her steps. There was a bit of a problem on the way back, when she confronted the gap again and found the ambrosia would not shrink with her. Consequently, she had to conjure up a knife, divide the ambrosia into little pieces and place it in a small bag before she could maneuver through.  
  
"I see light," she said, resuming full size heading to the entrance. A few seconds later, she made her way out into the daylight, where the man she thought was Joxer was waiting.  
  
"Here it is, Joxer," she said, and just as she was ready to hand him the ambrosia, Salem pounced out from the bushes and lunged at them.  
  
"Xelly, noooooo," the cat screamed.  
  
"Who are you, cat, and why are you talking?" Jett said in a decidingly non-Joxerish voice. Instantly, Xelda realized something was amiss as she snatched the bag of ambrosia from the air.  
  
"You're not Joxer!" she yelled. That was confirmed when Hilda and another Joxer rushed into the area.  
  
"Jett!" Joxer exclaimed in surprise.  
  
Resisting the urge to break into a Paul McCartney impression by adding "with the wind in your hair in a thousand laces," Hilda simply asked "What?"  
  
"It's Jett," Joxer explained, "my bloodthirsty twin brother."  
  
"Does everybody here have an evil twin?" Hilda said.  
  
"It only seems that way," Joxer answered, not seeing his twin lunge from behind and knock him to the ground.  
  
Jett had expected to take down his brother easily, then proceed with his nefarious scheme. Much to his surprise, Joxer rose to his feet and answered with a powerful blow to Jett's midsection. Catching his breath, Jett gasped, "You're tougher than I remember, brother. All that time you spend around Xena, something must've rubbed off." As he charged Joxer once more, he grinned, "This could actually be a challenge!"  
  
As the brothers began brawling, Hilda and Salem rushed to Xelda's side to avoid getting caught in the fraternal quarrel.  
  
"Look at them go at it," Hilda said with a mix of admiration and apprehension.  
  
It soon became apparent that the magically-enhanced Joxer was at last a perfect match (in terms of fighting ability, not demeanor) for his brother. Perhaps too perfect. As blow after blow was blocked or countered, it appeared that the fight could go on for hours without either side gaining the upper hand.  
  
"I really should help, but I don't know who's who," Xelda said.  
  
"I can help," Hilda said with a smile. "May the good one's true colors shine through and through, now Joxer the Mighty's a hero true blue." She pointed at the fighting twins, and Joxer instantly turned a shade of bright azure.  
  
Startled by his brother's bizarre transformation, Jett let his guard down long enough for Joxer to land a solid right cross. Shaking off his surprise, Jett put Joxer's pigmentation completely out of his mind and concentrated his full attention to the battle at hand. The stalemate continued.  
  
"Don't worry, sis," Hilda said. "Once the fight is won, he'll lose his smurfiness."  
  
"Very good," Xelda said. "Now I'll join in. Meanwhile, you take the ambrosia and Salem back to the village, and keep it away from him. Run!" She pointed at the cat, surrounding him with a wooden cage, then tossed the bag of ambrosia to Hilda. She stuffed the bag downward into her pocket, picked up the caged Salem and rushed away while Xelda drew into the circle of the brothers' brawl.  
  
* * *   
  
Harvey left the high school grounds at about 1:30, not minding the walk across town. It was a pleasant, if windy, spring day, and Sabrina's house was along the route. Which reminded him--he needed to borrow an old history book of hers so he could do some last-minute studying for a test Friday. Perhaps one of her aunts would know where it was.  
  
Between classes, Sabrina headed to the girls' room, entered a stall and popped herself home for a minute. If she was going to watch Xee at the track meet, she was going to need a jacket...  
  
She got the jacket, hurried to the kitchen for a cookie, then was ready to pop herself back when she heard a knock on the rear door. It was Harvey.  
  
"What are you doing here?" he asked.  
  
"Had to drive over for a few minutes. Don't tell the office."  
  
"I was hoping to see one of your aunts--that is, I expected one of them would be here instead of you."  
  
Sabrina smiled. "I know what you mean. I, uh, believe they went to a seminar on Greek mythology. With the newcomers in the house, Hilda's been asking what's a Grecian urn. I told her only a few drachmas a day, unless there was major inflation."  
  
Harvey could have sworn he heard a rimshot in the background, but that was probably his imagination. He then turned about 90 degrees, where a small animal caught his eye. A really small animal.  
  
Sabrina saw Argo too, and gulped.  
  
"Wow, Sabrina, I've heard about those miniature ponies, but I never believed they were this small," he said, bending down to further examine the tiny white horse. Argo kept her distance from the giant stranger, who came no closer.  
  
"This is a new ultra-miniature breed some UMass geneticists are working on," Sabrina hurriedly answered. "They're being bred specifically for life inside a house. They think it can provide new revenue to the equine industry." That's thinking on your feet, she thought.  
  
"And you and your aunts are helping out with the research. How neat."  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Anyway, Sabrina, I came here to see if I could borrow that history book you used last semester."  
  
She nodded. "Of course...let me go upstairs and find it." Once she went upstairs, she looked out her window toward the high school, pointed, and froze motion there--30 seconds before the next period was to begin. "That will give me enough time to get the book, give it to Harvey, then pop myself back to school," she said.  
  
Sabrina did just that, popped herself to school and unfroze action. She arrived in her seat, with jacket, some five seconds before class began. "Pulled this out of my locker," she said, pointing to the jacket.  
  
* * *  
  
"I was just thinking," Salem said from his cage as Hilda hurriedly rushed through the woods.  
  
"That's when you begin to cause trouble," she replied.  
  
"You know the difference between you and your sister? When Dexter's Laboratory comes on TV, she roots for Dexter and you for Dee Dee."  
  
"If it hadn't been for you and your TV, we wouldn't be here in the first place," she said ruefully. "But on the other hand, I would never have met Joxie. Whomever thought comic relief could be so much fun?"  
  
Aw, come on, the cat thought as the rhythmic rattle in his cage lulled him into a semi-conscious state, especially after going sleepless the night before.  
  
Hilda continued running for about 10 minutes, then remembered she was a witch. So she popped herself to the edge of town and walked into the village square. She placed Salem's cage on the ground, then began coughing.  
  
"Fortunately, I have those lozenges," she said as she reached into her pocket, pulled one out and raised it toward her mouth as Salem arose from his sleepy state and looked up at her.  
  
"Nooooo," he cried as Hilda put what she thought was a lozenge to her lips, but it was too late. She let it flip around her tongue for a few seconds before dissolving. Strange flavor, she thought. What did I conjure up? Honey licorice? Horehound?  
  
* * *  
  
Xelda stood clear for a few seconds, studying the battle between the truly blue Joxer and the evil twin Jett. She briefly contemplated using magic to decide the outcome, but then realized that wouldn't be fun, and she loved having these new warrior powers. Of course, she thought, that's it!  
  
While both had their backs turned to her, she flung the chakram, aiming for the rock standing out on the side of the mountain. She then cried, "Hey, Joxer!" which forced him to turn in her direction--and for Jett to attack him from behind. But just as he was going to assault his twin, the chakram hit him in the back, and he tumbled to the ground.  
  
Xelda turned a double flip, did her "yi-yi-yi-yi-yi" warrior cheer, and landed on top of Jett. She instantaneously tied his hands together, then turned 180 degrees and did likewise with his feet, rendering him unable to move. Then she picked him up, lifted him above her head and tossed him to the side of the mountain, near the entrance to the cave.  
  
"Wait--there's more," she said with a smile. She lifted a nearby boulder that looked to be at least her weight and gently placed it in his lap. "That should keep you there," she said. "Serves you right for deceiving me!"  
  
Xelda then turned to Joxer. "Let's go catch up with Hilda," she said.  
  
"Ah, Hilda," Joxer said, and with that his blueness faded into normal skin tones.  
  
Xelda thought about zapping them back to the village, but realized Hilda would be upset if they arrived there before she did. So they began running along the path, though she noted Joxer was still periodically clumsy...  
  
* * *  
  
Hilda sat down on a rock and began rubbing her stomach. "I feel queasy, weird," she told Salem. "Why?"  
  
"I'll tell you, Hildy," the cat replied. "You just consumed ambrosia."  
  
"What?" she said with a startle, then slapped her forehead. "Darn it! Hey, Salem, you watch this show. What will happen to me now?"  
  
"Well, if you were dead, you'd come back to life, and if you were a mortal, you would gain godlike powers." He paused. "But you're a witch, and no witch I know of has ever taken ambrosia--or been in a pseudo-mythical world, either. We're in uncharted waters."  
  
"Great," she sarcastically answered. Then she looked at her arms, which were beginning to produce an amber glow. "Salem--what now?"  
  
"You're beginning to feel one of the side effects," the cat said. "Either that, or you're mutating into a milk bottle." At least the ambrosia didn't give her madman eyes, he thought.  
  
"It's getting stronger! It's spreading down to my legs now."  
  
At the other end of the village square, the maitre d' from the Chinese restaurant spotted the increasingly-glowing Hilda and waved to her. She matter-of-factly waved back, then glumly dropped her head into her hands to escape the incessant glow. "What have I done?" she mumbled. She remained like that for about a minute until she heard a rich male voice.  
  
"I think you're beautiful," he said, and Hilda peered up and saw a handsome young man smile at her.  
  
"Gee, thanks," she answered with a resigned sigh. Then she heard another male voice and turned to see a second good-looking guy.  
  
"You are incredibly gorgeous," he told her. "Unlike any woman I've ever seen."  
  
That's for sure, she cynically thought. Within a few seconds, another man came by to offer praise to her beauty...and another...and another. Two minutes later, Hilda was surrounded by about 10 handsome males, all complimenting her. Several dropped to their knees in supplication.  
  
She pulled the cat's cage closer to her. "I think I'm onto something, Salem," she said, developing a sudden smile. "I believe this stuff is making me irresistible to men!"  
  
Then it's just as well there isn't any ambrosia left for me, he thought.  
  
Hilda got up, and the group of men--now slightly more than a dozen--followed in her direction. "Excuse me, Salem," she said. "I--er, we--need some privacy for a few minutes," and led the ever-growing throng to an area behind a nearby temple.  
  
More and more the crowd of handsome males increased, drawn like a magnet to this blonde with the incredible amber glow. By the time she reached the rear of the temple, she estimated there were at least 51 gorgeous single men drooling over her. I should hold a contest among them, she thought as the men offered kisses and praise. Hooray for ambrosia! Nothing against Joxer, but a little competition for a woman never hurt any man.  
  
From the top of the temple, another blonde, this one clad in a sheer pink nightgown, suddenly materialized and surveyed the scene. "Who is this hussy?" Aphrodite angrily asked herself in a valley girl inflection. "And how did she develop this power over men, power that by Mount Olympus is exclusively mine? I had better investigate."  
  
With that, the goddess of love dematerialized...  
  
DISCLAIMER: No blue people, rock formations or amber substances were harmed during the making of this chapter, and neither was the music of Roger Whittaker. Callisto was supplied with an antihistamine immediately after her scene ended.  
  
  
  
  



	2. "Xelda: Warrior Princess?", chapter 8

"Xelda: Warrior Princess? Or. Xena In Westbridge"  
  
Chapter 8  
  
Harvey Kinkle took a break from his co-op work at the auto repair shop when Libby Chessler drove in, the top down on her shiny red convertible. "Impressive car," he said, standing up and putting down his root beer.  
  
"Are you surprised by that?" she replied with a grin as she got out. "Time for her first oil change, Harvey--and the honor is all yours."  
  
"Well, thanks," he said, carefully lifting the hood. "You'll never guess what I saw today."  
  
"What?" Libby answered, half-heartedly trying to feign enthusiasm. Probably something about Sabrina, she thought. That blonde has him wrapped around her finger.  
  
"I dropped by Sabrina's house--"  
  
"Why did I guess she'd figure into this?" the head cheerleader interjected.  
  
"Actually, it was just to get a textbook," Harvey said, peering under the hood. "Don't take these things so personally. Anyway, it turns out she and her aunts are helping the University of Massachusetts livestock department."  
  
"I could say something about them grazing," Libby said caustically, "but I'll be a lady, and won't."  
  
"No, here's what happened," Harvey replied as he pulled out the dipstick. "They have a horse in the house, but it's a very small one. A few inches high, less than a foot long, but otherwise perfectly proportioned. Really incredible."  
  
"Yeah, right, the freak now has a freak horse, too."  
  
Harvey put the dipstick back, then pulled it out again. "You have to believe me," he said, examining the dipstick. "Hmmm...you're a little bit low but you don't need a change just yet."  
  
"I appreciate your honesty in not trying to sell me something I don't yet need," Libby replied.  
  
"I'm honest about lots of things; you should know that by now. And one of those things is that miniature horse in the Spellmans' house."  
  
"Whatever you say," Libby said.  
  
* * *  
  
Xelda, with Joxer in tow, rushed back into the village, hoping to find Hilda. Instead, all she found was the Chinese restauranteur. "Have you seen my sister Hilda?" she asked.  
  
"Oh yes," he replied. "She's glowing!"  
  
Hearing that from the Asian man, Xelda shuddered. Hilda must have tried some of that ambrosia and inadvertently turned herself into a giant. Then again, she had always said her favorite cheesy movie was "Attack Of The 50-Foot Woman," although Xelda couldn't recall whether she preferred the Allison Hayes or Daryl Hannah version.  
  
Just when Xelda was steadying herself for the image of a colossal Hilda stomping through the pseudo-Greek countryside, there she emerged from behind a temple--thankfully normal-sized, but casting a bizarre amber glow with several dozen men walking dutifully behind her.  
  
"Oh, I get it now," Xelda said to herself. "Glowing, not growing." She felt embarrassed to be so politically insensitive.  
  
Then Xelda heard her sister sing...  
  
"I know what boys like, I know what guys want," the younger sister sang, shaking her hips all the while. "I know what boys like--boys like--boys like me." She smiled. "Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah...nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah..." Typical of sis, botching the lyrics, Xelda thought as she left the Asian man and strolled toward Hilda.  
  
Joxer didn't join her; he stood there, transfixed and in some ways dejected. He suddenly felt inadequate, unworthy of Hilda's affection, and sat down to sulk.  
  
As she moved closer to her sister, Xelda felt something against her leg. It was Salem, who grinned up at her. "So, what do you think about being the sister of a goddess, or whatever a witch turns into after she consumes ambrosia?"  
  
"How could she? Is she that insecure about her romantic life?"  
  
"Not the case, Xelly. Take my word for it--this was strictly accidental."  
  
Hilda saw her sister drawing nearer and waved. "Look at me--a man magnet!" she said, beaming through her entourage. "Sis, you can have your smile, your brains, your legs. Right now, I have more sex appeal than anyone!"  
  
Suddenly, a vision in pink materialized in between the Spellman sisters. "Anyone, sweetie? Don't be so sure!" she said with a sneer and a smile.  
  
"It's Aphrodite!" someone yelled.  
  
"The goddess of love?" Xelda asked Salem.  
  
"The very one," the cat replied, "though her Xenaverse self is more a Valley Girl with godlike powers."  
  
"So you're Aphrodite, eh?" Hilda said. "The goddess of love. Boy, the things I did on your behalf all those years. But as you can see, now I can take care of myself in that department."  
  
"I do not like being usurped by a cheap blonde," Aphrodite answered. "And honey, you define cheap."  
  
"Well, at least I have real clothes on, not undies and a transparent nightie!" Hilda retorted.  
  
"And my flesh doesn't glow!"  
  
Salem smiled at Xelda. "This could get rather interesting."  
  
She grinned. "Well, you know all about catfights."  
  
* * *  
  
Sabrina sat down in the third row of the stadium bleachers, next to Gabrielle, who was jotting down notes. Down on the field, Xena, in a green sweatsuit, was limbering up and going through her paces.  
  
"She looks determined," Sabrina told Gabrielle.  
  
"Doesn't surprise me," the bard replied. "Even when we're catching fish, it's important for her to catch the most fish and the biggest one."  
  
Coach Willard Kraft, in a gray sweatsuit and clutching a clipboard, blew his whistle. "Okay girls, over here," he said, summoning the team to the rim of the track. Sabrina noted that Xena was half a head taller and far sturdier than any of her teammates, even those competing in the field events.  
  
"If we work to the best of our abilities," Kraft said, "we'll win this meet today and send the rest of the state a message for those postseason meets. Now, I want to introduce you to the newest member of our team, Xena." She smiled. "I hear she's quite an athlete, and I think she's going to help us out. Since I don't know what your best events are, I'll name a few. The 100-meter dash?"  
  
Xena nodded.  
  
"The 200?"  
  
Another nod.  
  
"The shotput?" Nod. "Discus?" Nod. "High jump?" Nod.  
  
A distance runner quipped, "I think she thinks she can compete in everything."  
  
"Maybe I can," Xena answered matter-of-factly.  
  
"Well then, try the 1,500 meters."  
  
"Fine with me."  
  
Kraft was incredulous. Field events, sprints and distance? Well, perhaps she needs to find out what her strengths are.  "Okay, Xena, we'll put you in the 1,500 meters," he said. "That's six events, enough for anyone. No more. Remember, this is a team."  
  
Xena nodded, sat down, and removed her sweatpants to reveal green shorts and well-toned athletic legs--the same legs she had planned to seduce Mr. Kraft with that morning, Sabrina recalled.  
  
The meet began, and Xena breezed to victory in the 200-meter dash, eclipsing the field by five lengths. She then strolled over to the auxiliary field and broke the school girls' discus record by three feet.  
  
"And she's not even trying," Gabrielle told Sabrina. "I told her it wasn't a good idea to make yourself too obvious."  
  
So it continued...Xena pacing herself in the 1,500 meters, then winning by pulling away in the final lap...Xena easily triumphant in the shotput...Xena putting away all comers in the 100-meter dash...Xena easily clearing 6 feet, 1 inch in the high jump.  
  
As the first-place finishes continued, Kraft became incredulous. "I have stumbled onto the greatest female athlete of modern times," he said to himself. "And to think I almost suspended her this morning."  
  
Despite Xena's heroics, the meet was a toss-up entering the final event, the 1,600-meter relay. Kraft called the four members to his side and strongly suggested one of them drop out. None of them did. Then he looked at Alexis Purcell, the scheduled anchor runner in the race.  
  
"Mrs. DiRosa mentioned to me in the faculty lounge today that she caught you chewing gum in algebra class yesterday," he told her. "Normally I like to give athletes at Westbridge the benefit of the doubt, but I'm prepared to withhold such a benefit from you if you do not let your new teammate Xena run the anchor leg of the relay."  
  
Alexis shut her eyes in frustration and nodded that the coach could go ahead and substitute for her.  
  
After three laps, Westbridge was down by half a lap, and few expected the Scallions to bounce back. But Xena turned on the figurative jets, whittling the gap by two-thirds over half a lap. If she was fatigued, she certainly didn't show it.  
  
"Keep it up, Xena!" the coach said. And that she did--a final burst of energy enabled her to r oar past her rival, crossing the finish line.  
  
From the stands, Sabrina high-fived Gabrielle. "Not bad," she remarked with sarcastic understatement.  
  
"I don't believe what I just saw," Kraft said as the team mobbed Xena. "Her courage will change Westbridge High School."  
  
"Okay, Gabby, go down to the field and get some quotes," Sabrina said. "See you at home."  
  
DISCLAIMER: No Asian speech inflections were intentionally made fun of in this episode, which is dedicated to the memory of Patti Donahue and her group, the Waitresses.   


	3. chapter nine

"Xelda: Warrior Princess? Or, Xena In Westbridge"   
  
Chapter 9  
  
Hilda and Aphrodite carefully eyed each other, as if they were amateur wrestlers just beginning a bout. From a safe distance, Xelda and Salem watched the prospective action.  
  
"Perhaps I should go amongst the villagers and take wagers," Salem said.  
  
"It might work--if you were human," Xelda snapped back. "Aren't you concerned about my sister's welfare?"  
  
"I figure witch and goddess will cancel each other out. Then it will be up to whomever has superior intelligence."  
  
Xelda held her hand to her mouth in apprehension. "Perhaps I better do something." But just as she began walking towards the combatants, she felt a rush to her side. It was Joxer.  
  
"Hilda, fair darling, I will aid you in your battle and prove myself worthy of your love," he hollered as he ran, prompting a mean look from Aphrodite.  
  
"Defending her? I don't believe it, Jox-man." Aphrodite shook her head in laughter. "And after all I've done for you." Using her powers, she caused Joxer to freeze, then rise in the air backwards as if being repelled by an invisible magnet.  
  
"How dare you do that to my man!" Hilda cried indignantly. She used her magic to pull the suspended Joxer closer to him, only to find Aphrodite redoubled her powers to push him back.  
  
Xelda turned to Salem. "Should I intervene?"  
  
Salem was about to answer in the affirmative when so caught his eye...a patch of land filled with mud near the witch and goddess. "No, Xelly," he replied with the most imperceptible of smirks. "There are times you have to let nature run its course."  
  
* * *  
  
Sabrina popped herself home, and Gabrielle came home about 20 minutes later. "I have quotes," the bard told her. "And Xena said she'd be back in a few minutes."  
  
"Very good," Sabrina answered. "Now head up to my room and write the story on my computer. Save the story to disk." She pointed at Gabrielle, instantly giving her computing skills, not to mention a rainbow-colored floppy.  
  
"I'm on my way," Gabrielle said, rushing upstairs.  
  
Sabrina glanced at her watch...5:19 p.m. A little more than 100 minutes before the "Xena" rerun was to air, giving her a chance to set everything right. "My aunts must be bored out of their skulls to be there," she thought.  
  
At that moment, Xena walked in. "Glad to be back," she told Sabrina. "That track meet was fun--not much of a challenge, but fun." Her voice prompted a tiny neigh and a trot from a cat-sized horse, whom Xena petted. "You're a good little Argo," she cooed.  
  
"Gabrielle's upstairs writing the story, so leave her alone for now," Sabrina said. "Just sit down and relax."  
  
"I could use something to eat. Have any fish?"  
  
"You are in luck," Sabrina answered, discreetly zapping up some haddock in the refrigerator. She could have conjured up cooked fish, but wanted to give them a genuinely prepared meal before they headed back to their own fictional universe. "Give me some time to prepare it."  
  
"Fine."  
  
* * *  
  
No oil change needed, Libby Chessler sped her convertible out of the auto shop and headed home, using her cell phone to call ahead and tell her housestaff to make sure dinner was ready.  
  
"Tiny horse at the Spellmans," she said derisively after hanging up. "Harvey is so deluded by that Sabrina that he'll believe anything she feeds him. So pliable." She smirked. "With that quality, he should be mine."  
  
* * *  
  
The newly computer-literate Gabrielle clicked the mouse at the "Save As" sign, saw the light flicker near the disk drive, and knew her story had been saved. It was fortuitous, too, because just at that moment she heard Sabrina holler from downstairs, "Dinner is nearly ready."  
  
"Okay," the bard answered. "Let me wash up." She left Sabrina's room and was about ready to enter the bathroom when she saw a door in front of her in the hallway. This is such a nice house, she thought to herself. Wonder what's behind there?  
  
Gabrielle entered, found some towels and other linens sorted nicely, then heard the door shut behind her. Darkness...  
  
...then light, an amazing amalgam of light unlike anything she had ever seen. Had she suddenly passed into the afterlife? Was she now dead? And, she chillingly wondered, would she ever see Xena again?  
  
At that second, Gabrielle found herself before a young woman in a blouse and jeans; she looked a few years younger than Sabrina. "Where am I? Who are you? And how do I get back to Xena and Sabrina?"  
  
"Xena? Sabrina?" The young woman mischievously smiled. "I'll help you," she said, pointing at her. "Welcome to the Other Realm..."  
  
* * *  
  
Hilda and Aphrodite began grappling, both filled with anger. "I've wanted to be irresistible to men for more than 600 years, and I'm not going to let Pink Lady minus Jeff stop me, Venus," the glowing witch seethed as she tried to wring the neck of the goddess of love.  
  
"You called me the V-word! How dare you!" Aphrodite replied, landing a punch on Hilda's ribs.   
  
Must be an obscenity in the Xenaverse, Salem thought to himself.  
  
Aphrodite resumed her rant. "You don't call me that and get away with--"   
  
Just then, she slipped, and both supernatural combatants landed in mud. They kept rolling around in the muck, which enveloped Hilda's amber halo. Neither could get the upper hand in the dirty conditions.  
  
"How repulsive!" Xelda said, watching the mess. "I have half a mind to zap that into Jell-o."  
  
"Jack Benny's nowhere in sight, Xelly," the cat reminded her. "Anyway, from what I understand, he never really liked the stuff. Anyway, mud has more commercial potential."  
  
"This is not a strip club, Salem."  
  
* * *  
  
"I called Gabrielle a minute ago, and she hasn't come down yet," Sabrina said as she placed Xena's fish dinner on the table, then placed another on the spot where the bard would eat. "Oh, by the way, do you like creamed spinach?", a reference to the side dish.  
  
"She's probably cleaning herself, and no, I've never tried the stuff," the warrior princess replied. "Let me go upstairs and get her. It's the least I can do before her meal gets cold." With that, she left the table and proceeded toward the stairs.  
  
"We do have a microwave," Sabrina called to her as she left her sight.  
  
Xena briskly walked up the stairs to find someone--a young woman who clearly was not Gabrielle--coming out from the room across from Sabrina's bedroom. "Who are you?" she said upon reaching the top of the stairs.  
  
The young woman smiled. "My name is Amanda, and I'm your worst nightmare," she smugly said, displaying something she had hidden behnd her. It was a glass container.  
  
With Gabrielle inside, pounding her fists on the edges and screaming.   
  
"What have you done to my friend?" Xena angrily said.  
  
"What I'm going to do to you right now!" Amanda said, pointing at her; instantaneously, Xena joined the bard inside the jar. "And I had heard you two were more than friends, though I'm really a little young to suppose to know anything about that."  
  
"What the--" a bewildered Xena said. "How did you get in here?"  
  
"The same way you did," Gabrielle replied. "That evil little girl pointed at me, and suddenly I'm here. Don't worry--there are airholes up there."  
  
Carrying her two tiny prey, Amanda walked downstairs. "This will be great for Other Realm science fair...and if the teacher doesn't like it, she'll join them."  
  
As Amanda reached the foot of the stairs, she found a surprised Sabrina about 10 feet away. "Amanda, I'm looking for--"  
  
"These?" she said, holding the jar with Xena and Gabrielle, then pointing at her cousin. Instantly, Sabrina found herself inside. "Good," Amanda said from above. "Now in the event of an argument, you folks will have a third person to serve as referee."  
  
Sabrina cursed her fate as she stared at Amanda's colossal fingers gripping the job. If she couldn't get out soon, the rerun would air and end, forcing her aunts and Salem to wait at least another day before they could come back. And what if this was permanent? Oh, that stupid cousin, whose evil laugh Sabrina heard thundering above her.  
  
Meanwhile, Argo was waiting for her dinner and was frustrated. Had Sabrina forgotten her? Horses need to eat too. She followed Sabrina out of the kitchen and didn't see her. Then, in the corner of the tiny mare's eye, she saw Sabrina, Xena and Gabrielle in a glass jar held by a young woman laughing heartily.  
  
This is not good, Argo thought.  
  
So unbeknownst to Amanda, whose back was turned, the little mare charged towards her. A few steps up the stairs, Argo collided into Amanda's right shin, causing her to lose its balance.  
  
When the jar crashed to the floor, breaking into scores of pieces, Xena, Sabrina and Gabrielle found themselves restored to full size. In that split second of confusion, Sabrina pointed twice, first at Amanda and then at the pieces of glass. The shards reunited into a jar...with a miniature Amanda inside.  
  
"That's it," Sabrina said, clutching the jar in midair, and sighing in relief that her plan was still on. "Amanda, when your mother finds out..." Now that the threat of missing the repeat was gone, Sabrina could resume her plan to shift the aunts and Salem back to their own world.  
  
"Argo saved the day!" Xena said, gingerly picking up the rescue horse and stroking its smooth, tiny fur. "I should have guessed we could count on you." The little mare did not resist Xena's advances but happily whinnied.  
  
Gabrielle nodded at Xena, then remembered why she had left her chair in the first place. "Good food, good meat, by the gods, let's go eat!", she said.  
  
"Okay, but first I have a little mailing that needs done," Sabrina said. With that, she pointed at the jar and surrounded it with a transparent box. "Now you can be mailed back to Marigold," she humorously said as she tossed it into the Other Realm closet, then heard the familiar thunder. "Say hi to your mom for me."  
  
DISCLAIMERS: Neither Pink Lady, nor Jeff, nor Jack Benny, nor the fine upscale art of mudwrestling were harmed during the making of this episode.


	4. chapter 10 (conclusion)

CHAPTER 10  
  
Hilda and Aphrodite continued their struggle, but both were too engrossed in their fight to notice that the number of spectators watching were rapidly dwindling. That's because there was a commotion emanating from the other end of town.  
  
"He's here!" someone shouted as he zipped past Xelda and Salem.  
  
"Who?" the witch warrior asked.  
  
"Hercules!" he hurriedly replied.  
  
"That's nice," Xelda said.  
  
"It's great!" Salem told her. "We're in a crossover episode. Must be sweeps."  
  
The commotion came closer to Xelda and Salem. "I want to see Hercules, but I can't from this angle, Xelly," the cat said, staring up.  
  
"And risk you saying something out loud?"  
  
"When I see Hercules, I'll mew. Loudly."  
  
"Promise that will be it?"  
  
Salem nodded.  
  
"Okay." Xelda picked him up.  
  
The cat looked into the crowd and saw a tall, brawny, leather-clad man with long blond hair and began to mew.  
  
He had caught Xelda's eye, too. "So I see," she said with a smile that revealed a touch of, for lack of a better word, hubba-hubba.  
  
"I think you're falling for Herc, Xeldy," Salem whispered to her.  
  
"Nonsense! What could I possibly have in common with that muscleman?" she protested.  
  
"Your old scientific self hasn't disappeared, I see," the cat replied softly. "But in this world, you're an action heroine. If you want science, go to Athens and look up Archimedes--just don't bathe with him."  
  
"Shhh! He's heading our way with a shorter blond." Salem recognized him as Herc's sidekick, Iolaus.  
  
* * *  
  
The hurdles and other track equipment put back in storage, Willard Kraft sat in the coaches' office after showering and changing into civilian clothes and regained his breath. He had called all the area dailies with the results, emphasizing the incredible debut of this tall girl from Greece. She'll be all-state without a sweat, he thought.  
  
He understood Zee was an exchange student staying at Sabrina's house and consequently planned to take it easy on that irritating blonde. Can't run the risk of letting her transfer, he thought of his track star.  
  
There was also the lovely Zelda to consider. He closed his eyes and imagined inhaling the aroma of her exquisite perfume. Willard hadn't talked with her since a phone call yesterday afternoon. "That's been too long without my Zuzu," he said to himself. "I'll drop by after dinner to say hello, and hope Hilda is out shopping. Please."  
  
* * *  
  
"What's going on here?" Hercules asked Xelda in a midwestern U.S. accent. Salem thought her heart was going to leap out of her chest, as in a Tex Avery cartoon. "Oh, by the way, my name is Hercules and this," he said pointing to his shorter companion, "is Iolaus."  
  
"I'm Xelda, uh, sort of a warrior. For good things of course, like you." Salem nodded his approval.  
  
"Cute cat," Iolaus said.  
  
"Here, you take him," Xelda said, taking Salem from her shoulder and placing him in Iolaus' arms. "If you scratch him, kitty, forget about dinner." Surprised by her move, the feline stayed on good behavior.  
  
"That's my sister Hilda fighting over there," Xelda pointed and said to Hercules.  
  
"That's a strange glow she casts--" he answered as the fighters whirled around, "--and she's fighting my half-sister."  
  
"Had forgotten you were related to Aphrodite. Sorry." She had taken at most one mythology course at Other Realm University hundreds of years ago. "As for my sister, well, she's always been the kind whose personality lights up a room."  
  
"And look at Joxer, suspended in mid-air," Iolaus commented.  
  
Xelda, Hercules and Iolaus all slowly approached the fight scene.  
  
* * *  
  
"That was delicious," Gabrielle said to Sabrina once dinner was finished.  
  
"I agree," Xena said. "Fish is great anytime, especially with that broccoli."  
  
"Thanks," Sabrina answered, but she was too engrossed in glancing at her watch. It was 6:40 p.m., just 20 minutes to go before the "Xena" rerun was to air and everything could be rectified at last. But rather than remind Xena and Gabrielle about it, she thought it best to tell them at the last minute.  
  
"Just sit tight and relax," the young witch said. "You both have had a long and frantic day."  
  
"You did feed Argo?" Xena asked.  
  
"Of course," Sabrina replied. That was another thing that had to be done -- restore the horse to full size.  
  
* * *  
  
"Let me rescue Joxer," Xelda said to her new companions. Now what's holding him up there?, she thought to herself as she gazed at the suspended warrior. Let's approach this rationally...if rationality still has any place left in this world.  
  
She licked a finger and held it aloft, feeling the wind currents. "Hmm," she said to herself, "the wind seems to be flowing around some kind of sphere surrounding him." She concentrated harder on the sensation of the air flow. "And from the fluctuations, it must be a very wobbly sphere...like a soap bubble or that thing from 'The Prisoner.'"  
  
"Let's just hope it's as fragile as a soap bubble," Xelda muttered as she drew a magically-conjured dart from her armor. Aiming to miss Joxer by the narrowest of margins, she let the dart fly. With a resounding "pop," the force bubble burst and Joxer tumbled safely, if ungracefully, to the ground.  
  
"Let's hear it for scientific method!" Xelda chuckled, then yelled, "Now run, Joxer, run!"  
  
The clumsy warrior picked himself up and ran to the side of Xelda, Hercules and Iolaus.  
  
"Not bad work," Hercules said to Xelda. "I am impressed."  
  
"You should see me with a chakram," she replied with a coy smile.  
  
"Hello, bro," Aphrodite said to Hercules in the midst of her tussle. "See? I'm a lover and a fighter!"  
  
Hilda saw the action and became desperate. She's called in the cavalry, and who do I have for support? Xelly, she thought, who even with witch powers was out of her league against Herc. I need assistance, and fast. Then she caught Salem from the corner of her eye. I still have ambrosia, she thought. If I toss him a piece, he can eat it and gain godlike powers. The world may not survive him, but right now, who cares?  
  
So a few seconds later, when she was only a few feet from Salem being held by Iolaus, she discreetly pulled out a small piece of the substance and made a shovel pass his way. But it never reached Salem.  
  
Halfway through the toss, the ambrosia nugget landed on a flying chakram, where it mysteriously remained despite the high speed and was caught some distance away by an armored woman on horseback.  
  
"And what have we here on my way to the general?" Callisto said with an evil grin. "A special bonus dessert. How ingenious of me to take this route." And with that, she eagerly placed the ambrosia in her mouth and let it roll around before swallowing the substance.  
  
Seeing what was happening, Hercules rushed into the Hilda-Aphrodite battle. "After what has just happened, you two had better end your fighting," he said sternly. "We have bigger problems now. Callisto has just consumed ambrosia and will soon have godlike powers."  
  
Callisto with powers. How many episodes is this ahead of schedule?, Salem wondered. Gee, the show has really been thrown off kilter, like a director's cut.  
  
* * *  
  
"I'm going to go see Sabrina," Harvey said to his perpetually pregnant mother as he rushed in and out of the kitchen and pulled out a sandwich from the refrigerator. "Gotta do some studying."  
  
"Okay, sweetie," she replied, patting her stomach. "Oh, by the way, can you get me some ice cream on the way home?"  
  
Cravings again, Harvey thought.  
  
* * *  
  
Xelda, Hilda, Salem, Joxer, Aphrodite, Hercules, Iolaus and the village residents eyed Callisto warily as she drew her horse closer to them.   
  
"There's no telling what she could do now that she's becoming a god," Hercules said. "Look at her eyes -- see how she's changing." They were beginning to take on an eerie greenish glow.  
  
Just like on the TV show, Salem thought. Then again, we are on the TV show.  
  
"You all no doubt are wondering what it's like to turn into a goddess," Callisto said, snickering. "It's, well, a blast." With that, a fireball materialized in her right palm as the crowd gasped. "Here's the pitch!", she exclaimed, tossing it at the throng.  
  
"Anachronism alert!" Hilda immediately responded, instantaneously creating an aluminum bat and giving it a mighty swing. She connected with the fireball and it went at least a thousand feet, fortunately landing in a lake.  
  
"Metal bats really do make them go farther," Salem said to himself.  
  
"Listen, amber girl, I don't know how you gained your powers, but you aren't going to outdo me," Callisto seethed. "I've only just begun to fight."  
  
"Oh yeah?" Hilda retorted. "And by the way, my name is Hilda."  
  
"So what."  
  
Joxer ran over to Hilda's side. "Are you nuts, sweetie?" he said. "She's an insane, bloodthirsty madwoman -- and that was before ambrosia!"  
  
"He's right," Aphrodite advised. "With godlike powers, she's essentially Ares on estrogen."  
  
"Huh?" Hilda and Xelda said in unison.  
  
"The god of war. Like, duh," the love goddess replied.  
  
"We know who Ares is," Xelda sighed in exasperation. "We're just surprised that you know what estrogen is."  
  
"Yeah, that's it," Hilda added unconvincingly.  
  
"Sis is right," Hercules commented. "I have no idea how you glow like that, Hilda, but you are no match for Callisto."  
  
"I don't care," Hilda said, lapsing into a John Wayne mode. "A witch has gotta do what a witch has gotta do." With that, she pointed a magic finger at Callisto. "Hey, hon, let's get small!"  
  
But instead of Hilda's magic shrinking Callisto, it had the opposite effect and suddenly made her bigger. The new goddess rapidly outgrew her horse, who skittered away to dodge her increasing weight and bulk. By the time the growth stopped some 20 seconds later, Callisto had grown slightly more than 12 times her original size.  
  
"How did that happen?" Hilda asked Hercules as she heard Aphrodite gulp.  
  
"This is something I've never seen before," he replied. "For all the abilities and powers gods have, they cannot make themselves grow."  
  
Then Xelda remembered an obscure passage from the Handbook of Magic: When a witch enters a fictional universe and gives a character powers, any magic the witch thereafter uses on that person has precisely the opposite effect. This rule was designed to prevent witches from going in books and stories and arbitrarily changing storylines. It came after a 1939 incident where a witch in Alabama altered "Gone With The Wind," giving Scarlett O'Hara Superman's powers and enabling her to singlehandedly defeat the Union army. Hilda must never have received that addendum to the handbook.  
  
"Thank you, thank you," Callisto replied, looking down at the village from her new perspective. "Now I'm not only a god, but a titan, too. I only wish that little bitty Xena was here to see my transformation." She began laughing -- "Little bitty Xena, what a funny thing to say!" -- and due to her commanding size her sound resounded for miles. "But that's all right. Eventually I will have her wrapped around my little finger. Literally!"  
  
This certainly wasn't on the TV show, Salem thought, although a 70-foot Hudson Leick does look rather delicious. Trouble is, this isn't Hudson Leick.  
  
"I've really blown it now," Hilda said. "Everybody run!"  
  
As if retreating from a 1950s B horror movie monster, the villagers hurried into the Charging Dragon tavern, where they stood cheek-by-jowl. Hilda, carrying Salem, and Xelda stood in front of the window; as one villager angrily said to Hilda, "You created this -- you stand in the line of fire." A nervous Joxer stood by her side, with Hercules, Iolaus and Aphrodite standing alongside Xelda.  
  
"So you think I'm going to attack you now, little people?" the Callisto colossus said. "Could be. But first, I think I'm going to evaluate my abilities. Once I develop and harness my godlike strengths, I will easily become the most powerful force in the cosmos. Not even the gods will be able to stop me!" She stood up to her full, majestic height and noted she was slightly taller than the trees surrounding the village.  
  
It began raining, and within a minute the drops were heavy. "At least we're under cover, something you now can never be," Hilda yelled to Callisto.  
  
"Doesn't matter," the titaness-goddess replied, waving her hand above her head. Instantaneously, there was suddenly an invisible shield around Callisto, protecting her from the rain. "You forgot I can do this now."  
  
Hilda grit her teeth in despair. "Darn, she learns quickly," she said.  
  
"I'm hungry," Callisto said, "so how about a roast?" She viewed a farm in the distance and hurled a fireball. After the explosion, the aroma of roast pork and beef drifted toward the tavern.  
  
"Hope there's enough there to satisfy my mighty appetite," she said, walking toward the burning property.  
  
"That was my farm!" a man near Hilda exclaimed.  
  
"Oh," Hilda replied sheepishly. "Uh, there wasn't anybody home, was there?"  
  
"No," he replied, "but what about all my livestock?"  
  
As Hilda struggled for an appropriate response, the proprietor of the Charging Dragon spoke up. "I'll be happy to make a deal with you for that meat," he said, "if there's any left when she's done."  
  
Whew, Hilda thought. There's one crisis averted, sort of.  
  
* * *  
  
"--and remember, if you can furnish us proof of unexplained phenomena, you can win cash prizes," the announcer said. "Just send it to Weird Life, P.O. Box fifty-four thirty-two, Hollywood, California, nine-oh-..."  
  
"Of course!," Libby Chessler said, jotting the address down from the TV set. "Show Sabrina for the freak that she is, and get money in the process! What could be sweeter?"  
  
She shut off the TV set, retrieved her family's video camera from the closet and went to her car. "It's off to the Spellmans and that teeny tiny horse of theirs," she said. "I can smell that cash...another designer dress."  
  
* * *  
  
The time was now 6:50 p.m., and the "Xena" rerun was scheduled to air at the top of the hour. Sabrina, who was pointing the dinner dishes clean, admitted she was getting nervous about returning her guests to their world. What if she got the spell wrong? Where could they end up? More important from a family viewpoint, how are Hilda, Zelda and Salem holding up amongst the Xena characters?  
  
Better get ready, she thought. The first thing she did was point at Argo, and the mare suddenly grew larger and larger until she reached her original size. Then, remembering the change she had made in her equine tract, she said a spell: "Keep Argo housebroken at full scale, till she's returned to Xena's vale." Now she appreciated owning a rhyming dictionary as part of her witch's training.  
  
Sabrina took Argo's reins and walked her into the living room, where Xena and Gabrielle were resting on the couch. "I could tell she was tired of being so small," the witch explained.  
  
"Uh-huh," said Gabrielle, who peered up from the Boston Herald sports section. "By the way, did you see that Curt Schilling struck out 12 Pirates last night?"  
  
"If you really must know," Sabrina said, "it's getting close to the time I have to send you and Xena back." She glanced at the watch. "Eight minutes away, in fact."  
  
"As you must," Xena said. "We have work to do."  
  
"Dang," Gabrielle commented. "If this doesn't work, Sabrina, can I turn on the TV so see the Red Sox play at Texas tonight? The Ballpark in Arlington looks like a great place to watch a game."  
  
Sabrina nodded and smiled, wondering if Gabrielle's sudden baseball zeal would make the transition to the Xenaverse.   
  
* * *  
  
"Hey, Olympus!" a giant leather-clad blonde yelled to a faraway mountain. "You gods better enjoy your time up there, 'cause it will soon be mine."   
  
"Fat chance, you overgrown--darn, I'm so mad!" an infuriated Aphrodite said from inside the tavern.   
  
"Callisto has gone crazy with power," Hercules said to his sister.  
  
"Maybe it will wear off and she'll revert to normal size," a hopeful Hilda said.  
  
"Yeah, right," several villagers said in unison.  
  
"Hey, it could happen," she replied.  
  
"What are we going to do?" Xelda whispered to Salem.  
  
The cat gave a blank stare. "Give her a bottle that says 'Drink Me'?," Salem softly replied. "I have no idea."  
  
"We could wait a little while, let her get overconfident, then find some way to trick her," Hercules said to Xelda. "If she's a titan, there may be some way to turn her into stone." She nodded, then thought to herself, what's the precise opposite of stone in this context? Even she was stumped by that one.  
  
So it's come to this, Xelda thought. Powerless, for now, against a giant goddess created by my bumbling sister.  
  
Her thoughts were disrupted by a thundering sound -- Callisto's lumbering footsteps, though she only needed a few strides to reach the front of the tavern. Her enormous boots were within kicking distance of the window where Hilda and Xelda stood, and Callisto feigned a threatening kick or two.  
  
"Maybe I should simply crush all of you into oblivion," Callisto chortled, lifting her left foot above the pagoda. "Naw, too easy." She sat down in front of the tavern, folding her legs and eyeing the building like a schoolgirl looking at her dollhouse.  
  
"This reminds me so of my younger days in Cirra," she said, giggling; by now, the rain had subsided. "And you're all my little dollies."  
  
* * *  
  
Libby Chessler parked her car on the intersecting street so the Spellmans couldn't see her, then stealthily walked around the corner, making sure her video camera was working properly. Once I get this tiny horse, we're in the money, she thought.  
  
She carefully manuevered herself near the main window of the living room, then gradually worked the camera up to the edge of the window. From her viewfinder, she saw a surprising sight -- but a disappointing one.  
  
A horse was in the living room, all right, but it was of normal proportions. Worthy of freakishness, she sighed, not worthy of cash. But then she noted Sabrina turning on the TV set while chatting with those two Greek students. It appeared she was giving them instructions, and Xena seemed very friendly with that horse.  
  
Might as well keep the camera running, Libby thought. Could make for good cheerleader gossip.  
  
"Time for you return," Sabrina said to her guests. "It's been a fun 24 hours."  
  
"Pay us a visit anytime," Xena said, as she and Gabrielle each hugged their host.  
  
"Gladly," Sabrina said. "Maybe I can help you subdue a warlord or two. Without magic." She heard her watch beep. "Seven o'clock."  
  
The show came on, but there was a most unusual sight. Instead of Hilda, Zelda and Salem, the initial image was that of a huge Callisto sitting cross-legged in front of a pagoda.  
  
So they're watching some cheesy sci-fi movie, Libby said. Those special effects don't look bad, though.  
  
Xena was perplexed. "How did Callisto become a titan?" she wondered.  
  
Sabrina sighed. "I have a weird feeling my aunts helped make her this way," she said. That belief was corroborated in the next image of the front window, where a nervous Hilda clutching a scared Salem, with a concerned Zelda standing nearby.  
  
"They borrowed our outfits!" Gabrielle said.  
  
"Just trying to fit in," Sabrina guessed.  
  
Libby was confused. How did her aunts get into that movie? It looks too professional to be one of those independent productions.  
  
Callisto grinned to the denizens of the tavern. "Think I'm going to do some urban planning," she said. "How about giving this tavern some open-air dining?" With that, she used her titan's strength to gingerly lift the roof from the pagoda, then tossed it aside as if it was part of a playset. "Hope you don't get much precipitation in these parts."  
  
Xena and Gabrielle surveyed the crowd inside the suddenly uncovered tavern. "Look, there's Hercules," Xena said.  
  
"And Iolaus, and Aphrodite," Gabrielle added. "They look as unsettled as anyone."  
  
"You know, I think it's time I got to know some of you up close and personal, including you, that little kitty cat oracle I saw earlier today," Callisto said with an evil leer. "Unfortunately for you, titanesses and goddesses don't have allergies."  
  
"Long story," Salem whispered to Hilda.  
  
Callisto threateningly moved her right hand above the throng; a frightened Joxer clutched Hilda tightly, forcing Salem to leap into Xelda's arms for comfort.  
  
"Hilda...Hilda..." the colossus bellowed.  
  
"I've got to save my aunts!" Sabrina said. "Time to send you back, now!" She rushed into a spell recitation. "TV's fun, so's reality, send things back to where they used to be." She could see the images of Xena, Gabrielle and Argo began to flicker.  
  
That's bizarre, Libby said to herself, as one hand grasped the video camera and the other the ledge near the window. I may have something here after all. Then she felt a strange feeling in her stomach...  
  
As Callisto's huge hand hovered overhead, preparing to pick up victims as if they were toy soldiers, Hilda began hearing some beeps, followed by a swoosh -- sounds she recognized. "Who's playing Motown?" she asked, lapsing into a Diana Ross impression. "Reflections of...the way life used to be..."  
  
"Used to be. That's it!," Xelda said. "I think we're going home! Thanks, Sabrina!" Their images wobbled. Seconds later, Hilda, Xelda and Salem faded from view in the tavern and on the TV screen, just as Willard Kraft parked his car in the Spellmans' driveway and Harvey Kinkle followed suit.  
  
* * *  
  
"We're home!" Hilda screamed to her sister, as she surveyed the Spellman living room and got a hug from her niece.  
  
"Indeed we are," Xelda said. "And you're not amber anymore." Now I can drop that "X" and restore the "Z," she thought.  
  
"Plus you've brought a guest along," Salem added.  
  
"Where am I? What am I doing here?" Joxer asked, just as Willard, standing with Harvey, rang the doorbell. Why now? Sabrina said, rushing to answer.  
  
"Well, it's good to have you here, sweetie," Hilda said, rushing to Joxer's side and embracing him. "Welcome to my world."  
  
"Take him into the kitchen and settle him down," Zelda said. "We'll figure out what to do with him later."  
  
"Gladly," Hilda said, leading him by the hand and zapping him into a shirt, tie and slacks. "I've got a lot to teach you, hon...but it's going to be so much fun playing tutor."  
  
Sabrina opened the door. "Oh, hello Harvey, Mr. Kraft," she said.  
  
"Zuzu, what are you doing dressed like Xena?" Willard asked. Sabrina realized that now that the spell was over, everyone's memories of the show were restored. Would this mean that what happened the past 24 hours was erased?  
  
"Been invited to a costume party," Zelda replied. She grinned. "Imagine me as an action heroine."  
  
"Like on TV," Harvey said.   
  
Sabrina glanced to the set and saw Callisto on screen, but she was now normal sized, apparently powerless, and staring at her rival Xena. It was as if the previous events had never happened.  
  
"Zuzu, you can be my warrior princess anytime," Willard said, hugging her, though grimacing a bit from contact with her pointed armor. "I'll call that costume store downtown and see if it still has a Hercules outfit available for rental."  
  
Sabrina went into the kitchen to check out Hilda and Joxer; Salem had joined them. "I just don't understand this," the young witch said. "The spell says an equal number of people are displaced in that spell. If Joxer is here, who's there?"  
  
* * *  
  
"Where am I?" Libby wondered, looking at the field of green that suddenly lay before her. She examined her video camera, and discovered it wasn't working. "Somebody help me!" she screamed.  
  
A tall brunette woman in leather, on horseback, spotted her and stopped.  
  
"Can you help me?" Libby asked. "Funny, but you look like Xena."  
  
"I get that all the time," Meg said in her ersatz Fran Drescher accent. "Hop on board."  
  
THE END  
  
DISCLAIMER: The Motown Sound, aluminum bats, Tex Avery cartoons, cheesy 1950s sci-fi movies and accents of girls who sound as if they come from Queens were not harmed during the production of this final chapter. In the words of the late, great Ernie Kovacs, it's been real.  
  
  



End file.
